I'd do anything for love

Even deny myself happiness.

I have never had a nightmare like that before.

Actually, I wouldn't call it a nightmare, more like a dream that turned dark.

And;; I haven't had Mark invade my dreams in a long while.

I thought I was over him.

I thought my feelings had stopped.

It's just like with my boss.

I can't choose who to stop having feelings for apparently.

I'm crying as I write this because I felt my heart just get ripped in two when I was taken away from the hotel room where I was cleaning all of my stuff up, I not only left some of my personal items behind but Mark as well. 

During the course of my dream, me and him got to know each other, even while he had a girlfriend.

The first time I met him we just talked like friends/fan-to-fan over.

The second time he let me get closer, even while he had a gf.

Now, in this dream, I couldn't really tell if I was male or female.

The third time he let me hang out with him, he was playing a game and asked if I wanted to sit on his lap and yeah obviously, it wasn't sexual, he was playing a game and wanted me to play too and I just leaned my head on his shoulder, and.. then..

I had to leave for a bit to clean out the rest of my hotel room because of time restraints but then I pack some of the stuff and put some food that needed to be made into the kitchen's oven then suddenly mom pulls up, I put some of my stuff in her car then she like.. I dunno, pushes me against something and forces me to leave without everything or even saying goodbye to mark..

I just...

why?

I haven't been having good dreams lately.

They're hurting me. 

;;Nightmares

They are not a good thing, at all!

They make me very anxious when they actually mean-ish something to me.

My greatest worry all summed up.

;;and I felt it yesterday.

Because he wasn't there.

And;; my mind wandered.

It seems if I fall backward, it'll be myself.

No! I don't want to go backward!

I could tell that I was doing better!

Why does it have to be such a fight, a hard, arduous battle with depression!

I hate it!

I need to stay confident!

But it's hard to do it alone.

Why don't I, who needs it as well, get reassurance from anyone?

I try to be a good person...

I just... need a little help too...

Kit helps. I understand, but I started forgetting how I must think to combat this as soon as I decided not to schedule any more visits to my psychologist.

Perhaps not a good choice?

Work Nov/30th/2016

Even though we got slammed today, and I was hungry and my mouth was hurting from being so dry, and I was thirsty- I didn't get mad. Has my anger lessened? 

I somehow doubt it. I got antsy Tuesday. I didn't get angry, though. My boss kept running around like a chicken with his head cut off, he even spun around once in place. It was sort of absurd. I hope I don't get like that if I continue to work here... 

Next year after Con I'll need to start looking for a second part-time job. This may indeed be my very last con. I'm sure health care will cost SOMETHING unfortunately and on my current income it isn't going to be enough, probably at least. 

I'm currently obsessed with Priapus, haha. I know it's a type of yaoi hentai but the first time I read it I got super hot and bothered. 

Thank God for this Benzocaine. I know that it's probably bad if swallowed, so instead of swallowing I spit my saliva out as much as I can until the numbing has disappeared. 

My skittery kittery Luna is being super talkative today. She hadn't been in my room at night or during the day for a couple days. Now she's back to being up my butt, and she even proceeded to bother my mom while I was at work.

My ex-mentor, now just close friend had another heart attack last week. I'm glad his wife red-eye flighted it down here to be with him. I've begged God not to take him away, and yet these problems still continue. They put in another splint because more of his arteries were found blocked. They also told him to stop smoking. He quit cold turkey that day. 

I can't wait for Con. It's the only thing that's worth looking forward to. This year there'll probably be no Christmas. I won't have a new binder to go and visit people with on either. The 3x isn't tight enough. I need a 2x, which I'll be getting used but its better than nothing. I want to get a packer; harness first I guess.

Mom talked about getting my name changed legally. It's still new to be called by it. Matt feels good, Mattius is a bit fancy but it's okay, I think; better than just a simplistic name. But why Mattius? Is what I ask myself. I've gone by other masculine names. I can't remember all of them, there wasn't many. Does Matt fit me? Do I look like a Matt? There are other names out there. If I make this one permanent, I will never change it again. I may change my last name someday, just because I'm a weird video game nerd and that blonde man with those nice muscles and pure red eyes will always intrigue me. 

It's funny. Something I've sort of come back to. A video game, I liked, but many others did not. Would anyone get the reference, or would they actually believe me? It's a little reminiscent of the past, of the, roleplays and fanfiction but it's powerful and sexy. 

I got to see what Phalloplasty looks like. It's strange. Unfortunately, it doesn't look exactly like a real penis- maybe it'll look better after the surgical tattooing is done? It was pre. Whatever surgeon he used for the top surgery did a great job. It looks wonderful.

Just an MP3 Player

America's Last Year

I voted Bernie.

I voted Hillary.

The electoral college voted Trump.

Riots are out right now, breaking the silence.

We the people didn't vote for Cheeto-Hitler.

Hate has won.

Just like it won with Hitler's regime.

God save the women, the LGBT community, the youth, the other races.

As for me, I will never go back in the closet.

I'm proud of who I am.

I am a man. I was never a woman. I was never a girl. I've always been this way.

This is me.

It's how I feel.

Ever since my name, Matt was said by my family and a few others I've felt happy.

My depression has lessened.

I'm heading up the hill, from the downslope; I'll get there someday.

Addressing me

I've been on the better side of the scale but I keep feeling like depression is creeping right up behind me, and I want to scream and run away from it.

I'm trying.

I'm trying so hard to fight my thoughts.

I'm afraid of it. I'm afraid of depression and I... I want it to leave.

But I'm hurting and.. my eyes are tearing up.

I can't keep eating pasta, and bread and all these carbohydrates! 

But it's all we can afford. 

I hate it!

And I was so happy when Matt became my name.

But it's not enough.

I can't stand being called Amanda at work, and she, and her.

My binders too big. I need a smaller one, but they cost so much.

I'm not a girl damn it!

I hate my ovaries!

I hate my breasts!

I hate my uterus!

They are ugly, horrendous things that need to go.

Inner thoughts

After completely swearing off even trying to find a relationship the circles come full roundness... uh, what?

Doesn't matter.

I know that the two guys I still find extremely attractive, and several others are all taken, and that's okay. There's nothing wrong with a bit of fantasizing as long as they're not married.

Noted in my book.

God dangit my hands are cold!!!

Mostly my right hand, haha.

Uhm... let me think...

I don't have much of an update for this post, even though its been awhile. 

SO THIS IS HERE! HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA!

Arin's shooten his lazers.

I've started figuring out my body a bit better and TMI probably but I think if I push my thinking forward I can keep myself from having my period. 

The problem with thought bodily blocking is it has to be constant, letting my guard down and giving in even for a moment means that it could hit.

But i'm really happy that i've figured out a part of myself.

FtM, with the name of Matt.

Christianesque Hospitals and Doctors under oath // Ranting // A Life of Unfortunate Events

Don't like em.

Want to get rid of my breasts. 

Want to get my tubes tied.

I'M NOT HAVING CHILDREN, EVER!

Who even has the funds for such a thing?

And why would I WANT that amount of pain?

I wouldn't.

I don't.

I don't want the bullshit pain I have from my body parts right now.

ALSO, I'm about to lose every cent I make probably having to buy stupid insurance next year, ON MY BIRTHDAY! What kind of bullshit is this?

I haven't even started college, that's just pointless- I mean, why should I even try when I'm stuck as this fucking fat bimbo? 

This isn't me

This isn't what I want anymore.

Sweet dreams are made of these....

So, another one of these AMAZING FREAKING DREAMS! :D Guest appearance by my mentor, lol. This is what I can remember; mentor was rubbing and sucking my tits in front of my boss, who was laying on my old bed at my grandparents' house. BOY did my grandmother exceptionally hate what I was doing with him. She kept coming in and trying to stop me but eventually just left for work, grandpa was busy sleeping. The bedroom door finally got shut. The boss called me beautiful while we had previously been just laying on the bed together. I sucked him and licked up and down his member before I got on him and rode for a little bit. He took over before cumming inside of me. 

I don't feel well

All we've really got left in the house is carbohydrates, and those make me tired. I literally fell asleep earlier, around about 7:30, I wanna say. Someone also turned off my light and killed my alarm; THANKS FOR NOTHING. Not only is my sleep ruined, I also feel extremely not well. I just want to be in a more realistic home; not around drinkers or smokers. I want to laugh daily, and be happy. I'm sick of being sick and tired. I'm done calling for help. I'm done just... I wanna be home, in heaven. Not here on Earth where everything is constant pain and suffering. I miss being with someone, I miss their love and care. I miss a secure and healthy life. I miss being a child. I miss being innocent. I miss not having to worry. And I'm just so exhausted... I'm tired of routine. There is no cure for what I have. I will never be something, I will always be ... Me.

JackSepticDreams

Well, how very unordinary. This dream wasn't sexual or romantic at all. It was extremely weird tbh. Well, about the only thing close to sexual was that I was sitting on Jack's lap a few different times; but only to record him playing some game. The dreams a bit blurry already. Probably because I only got six hours of sleep so far. What else do I remember? I remember at one point there was this huge party going on. There were these alcoholic bubble like shots in a bowl on the table. Jack stayed with me for like three days, I do believe, which ended on a Sunday. I'm 65.9 % sure that we hung out and laid down on a bed together, clothed obvs. 

SomeOrdinaryDreams

Had my first SOG/Mutahar dream! NSFW, obvs. He had a long cock, haha. It was sad at the end though. I caught a mew on Pokemon go. Then Pokemon became all virtual reality real-esque. And my shitty monthly got in, probably why my dream went sour.

Not so sure

What am I doing? Am I really just sitting around like this?

Markiplier found a girlfriend, I knew it had to happen sooner or later <----- Weeks ago.)

I got him to laugh today.

Yay?

Why does that feeling flutter away from me?

I think... eventually i'll be okay with binding all my feelings.

Isn't that progress?

My pay was better this week; half of its already gone though.

50 dollar cell bill, plus 3 for doing it online, and then 20 on the wish app. I hope to God those things aren't a scam. I need to contact FYE and see what happened to my 20$ card.

Doesn't matter.

Can't be creative.

Trying like hell.

I'm tired of repeating days.

I'm tired of hearing the same things repeatedly.

I'm tired of routine.

It's mind numbing.

I want to break out of it.

But I can't; because i'm stuck here.

A little unsteady

That was some dream huh? My boss got stupid drunk and I took care of him and didn't take advantage of him. It was weird because I think the reason he did it was because he thought he was going to be fired. I was so caring and loving while he was drunk... But I also felt so happy because I was able to touch him (not sexually).

What is life even-?

My boss apologized the day after. He said he knew I wasn't going to talk to him the day after our fight. I'm glad he's someone who listens. I just need to give him his space on his bad days. Fuckin' asshole is back to living with us again. I don't want him here! I don't like him. All he does is make day to day life harder than it needs to be. He's a douchebag! UGH! I just want to have a safe place. And friggen home isn't it AGAIN. Those two weeks; as hard as they were, were much better then dealing with his dumb ass!!

Ffffffffff

Fine, fuck you! And fuck my feelings for you! And fuck me for liking you, and listening to you talk! And fuck life, and me trying to help you! You coulda just been like, "but you're good at it." But instead you're just like no, whatever and I fucking heard the anger in your voice and the stress, and just. I don't want to hurt anyone else! I don't want to piss off, or hurt or anger, or annoy anyone! ... But I know I can't live my life trying to make others happy. It took me so much time to warm up to you all, and then all you do is take me down pegs or two and expect me to be up on my game. UGH! WHY do I like you!?!

TW: Cause Under The Thermostat I'm Not Good

So... I got really bad yesterday into my depression and I did something I didn't mean to, and I broke skin and bled this time. Not a lot mind you, but very little. However, I know that I've been under a lot of pressure and just feeling stressed out in general. I'm going to try and find a support group and see if my Psychologist knows of any on Wednesday. I'm just extremely lost, and feeling lonely. ALSO. IF YOU CANT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST, YOU DON'T Deserve ME AT MY BEST, Better Run Your Ass Now. I'm guessing you thought it was going to be easy, didn't you? Its not. Do your research on depression, mix it with anxiety.

Haven't updated in awhile....

So here's the thing, i've been busy. Been busy trying to relax, been busy trying to get situated into this new house. I haven't worked the passed two days which is just a wallet killer so i'm gonna try to get my boss to give me close tonight, but he may already have other people (which sucks). Well, technically I wasn't even scheduled for yesterday. I was scheduled for Monday but labors been shiet apparently.

Yesterdays dream was really fucked up, and I still remember it. It had two of my friends in it. Brand and Rob. It was totally fucked up. Rob had donated his penis to Brand, and apparently had gotten a vagina or something- I dunno. But Brand had both and a bare chest and we uh *coughfuckedcough* then Rob got all upset about Brand using the dick he'd given on me. 

I have weird dreams, its nothing new.

Have I ever mentioned I hate the skip limit on Pandora? I mean like, who has time for old music? Seriously. If I've heard it almost a hundred times- I wanna be done with it.

I'm really tired of all my potential suitors either wanting to bone, or are totally overweight. And unless they have something like exercising, fitness or gym on their profile its just not worth my time. I want to get healthy! I NEED to get healthy! I need someone who is motivated like that. A partner in crime, someone who is also a friend besides just romantic interest. And for those of you who are totally only on DATING SITES looking for sex, GO BACK TO TINDER!

Work without the bossman

Makes it boring work. I had been contemplating not coming in at all since he didn't even put my name down on the schedule but shrugs I do need the money.

Aches and pains

I feel like something in my right inner thigh has been damaged. There's like a roll of muscle with a vein in it and it just aches. And my right arm has been giving me pulsating pain all the way from my wrist to back.

Great day!

Its been a really great day so far! I just can't wait to actually be in the new house after we go to the laundry mat tomorrow!! Super excited! And a huge thank you to my crush, and boss! 💋 for lending us his truck to move with! 💕👌💯

That... Hurt?

That's not supposed to hurt! There should be no jealousy! Remember! He's not yours!

; ♪ and I don't want it to end, but I know it will ♫

Tears,

Tears,

Go away,

don't come back,

another day.

I thought I was okay again; I'm doing better!!

:But then I started thinking:

I stressed-relieved myself, and then I felt ashamed.

But not because I did it,

no,

because of who I was thinking of.

I was thinking of 

him.

And I shouldn't think of him!

He's not mine!

He's not even on the market!

But he's so kind to me.

When I have trouble finding people who won't hurt me.

People tell me things and they lie; and it hurts.

I don't even know what i'm doing dating.

I don't know how to treat it.

It makes me kind of sick.

and I started thinking further;

what am I?

who am I?

I don't feel my age, I don't look my age.

What's gonna happen when Markiplier and JackSepticEye no longer record youtube videos?

Am I ever gonna see them again?

I have a burrito sitting beside me getting cold and i'm debating whether to eat it or just let it go to waste.

I'm still disgusted with myself. 

This stomach is ugly, these arms are ugly... my fat fucking face is ugly.

I act confident on the outside because i'm trying to attract someone..

But I just want someone who'll cook for me, someone who loves cats and dogs, someone who wants to live California so we could possibly meet the Grumps and maybe even Mark in a non-stalker way, vacay in Japan and see the sites and buy me a kimono and eat rice balls and sushi with me, someone whose on the same level, someone who understands me but doesn't say it outloud all the time, someone whose into the things I want to do and will totally back me but also have a job and can help me achieve my goals aswell as their own.

I only know one good thing about me; and most people don't notice them.

My Eyes. 

I think maybe...

I should wait for someone who looks into my eyes...

and sees not just them, but my soul,

and who I can be some day.

;It makes it hard to wake up

Nuzzling with Sean (JackSepticEye), and then HE kisses my nose in the dream after we're pushed closer and I stare at him, and he stares back. Stupid alarm clock! Stupid real life! My life is so much better in my dreams... :(

And here i find myself

Another day gone by, no progress achieved. I feel sick, not physically- emotionally and mentally.

I'm 25- and I'm a mess. I'm 25, and I'm in love. I'm in love with someone I will never know because of restrictions that apply to me. People want sex with this man, and I find it disgusting because we're better than that.

When he gets a gf, I'll be lost again. I'll loose interest because I respect those rules. And I both look forward to, and don't want to see that day.

As a teenager, I had crushes on fictional characters. Now today, I long for someone with a soul, a passion for gaming, someone who can be lover and friend, someone about my height or a little taller, black hair or blonde hair, deep chocolate eyes, or bright blue eyes. Someone whose a lot smarter than they think.

I could name them aloud, but I won't for its a fangirls sin to fall in love them. Its heart crushing. Mind twisting to know. That no matter what you'd give; you could never know them. For the moment you became their "fan," was the moment you opened your mouth and spoke the unspoken words, "I am you're fan. You show me what you want. You believe that we will now characterize you by thinking you're perfect." No. No One's perfect. Not you, not I.

But it wouldn't matter, you're out of my league. And that's not because I believe you're perfect, but because I believe you deserve all the happiness in the world.

It has been 0 days since you last made me laugh and smile.

It has been 0 days since you've been on my mind, and your names escaped my lips.

;Not a good day

I'm tired of ripping people apart.

It's so difficult for my mother to have relationships because of me.

I wish I wasn't scared of standing on my own two feet; but I am.

I wish I wasn't scared of leaving home; but I am.

I wish I wasn't afraid to be away at college; but I am.

I'm scared.

I'm scared of moving, i'm afraid of change. 

But, I know I need it.

It's time for a major change.

I need to go away to college, perhaps find a psychologist there.

At the age of 26 i'll loose my insurance.

These are things I don't get a choice on.

I don't have control over these areas of my life.

But I need to find my rhythm in life.

Go for what I'm good at, not for anything i'm not.

If writing and such/book writing isn't all I believe it is then i'll have to change colleges on my own; take on a massive debt.

But we all die with debt don't we?

And I don't want any regrets.

I already have some; and I can't go back on them.

I have to walk what i've made.

Size 20, and mens shirts rock

Down to a size 20 in pants. :)

And I'm really interested in wearing more masculine clothing <3 They have a pretty good selection at Gabe's!

I'm no longer accepting.....

I'm done with assholes, I'm to the point where sex is stupid. What happened to romance? Dining? Being normal humans. These things set us correct, we need these principles.

I'm alright

;;At least for now. I get the feeling, my Psychologist doesn't like me, or feel as if I need the Help. I should probably take a breath and allow my tongue and mind Free range. I don't want to be Judge, but if I want Help I have no other choice.

Updating from my phone - Light annoyance

So, the guy I lightly had a crush on at work is a no go. He's a complete asshole. I asked for help and instead of just asking he gives me an only if I let him do something. He was supposed to leave in fifteen minutes but instead he stayed until like 15 after helping someone else cause I told him he didn't need the radio for fifteen minutes. I was using it! It was playing my music FOR ONCE. Nobody shows me any respect except Wes, and even that isn't very often. I'm not a physical person when it comes to work, I wish I had a job in Cosplay, anime convention staff, adult fiction writer, just something where I could use my skills or open mindedness!

I don't like him

I don't like him anymore.

I don't like him when he's breathing.

I don't like him when he's fawning over his stupid illegal drug.

I don't like him when he's speaking.

I don't like him when he's sleeping.

I don't like him when he's being.

He's a pompous asshole who thinks he's gods gift.

He thinks just because he gets money (without working, may I add) he is entitled to tell me what to do.

I don't fucking think so.

You're not my dad.

You'll never be my dad.

I don't care how old you are!

You never respected me!

SO, why should I even try to respect you!?!

All he does is sit there in the kitchen, acting like King of MJ, playing his games on his phone, watching tv too loudly and hounding people who fucking come through.

HE ALSO PROPOSED RULES ON DISHES.

What am I supposed to do; not eat!?!

SCREW YOU!

I won't play by your rules!

I'm buying plastic and paper; so you can fuck off.

Good ideas and bad ideas

Bad idea: Thinking an 18 year old could act as mature as me.

Good idea: Ending a struggling relationship.

Good idea: Talking to a psychologist.

Bad idea: Downing an entire mountain dew live-wire while i'm sleepy.

Good idea: Fix my sleep.

Bad idea: Depending on anyone at work, except for Wes.

Good idea: Making friends.

Bad idea: Making friends with people who REALLY wanna be in a relationship.

Anyways. At-least I don't have the stress of continuing to push a relationship passed its expiration date, not that its going to do me any good. I know what happens when i'm single. My obsessions strengthen. My sense of reality weakens. But it's okay. I'll always have my dreams, where anything can happen and I can't be controlled by society, I don't feel the sting of anxiety or depression, or being rejected, or feeling something for people who are taken. 

I wish things would've happened differently. But its better to burn rotting bridges then to try and mend them. 

;; and i'll be just like fire.

Update

I've decided to try and fight depression using a drug.

Also, this.

Dead At 77

From Cancer

View my profile: MenasayRingo

Find out when and why you'll die, take The Death Test!

That was from an OKcupid test I took out of boredom.

Anyways.

I've been talking to people at work.

I'm also trying very much to figure out myself.

Gotta do whats best for me.

Find out some way out of this hell i'm living in.

Mom thinks its a good idea to start college in Cincinnati at AI. It doesn't sound like a terrible idea. I'm just scared of all the stupid adult things like getting my own medication, fighting depression alone and in a new place. I know my anxiety will act up there and I may get very disheartened. I also only know a couple people in that region. I would be closer to my yearly con. That would be cool. I would have to figure out a way to budget for myself and have a part time job for 2 - 3 days a week. It'd have to be something that doesn't need speed, hell I wouldn't mind factory work as-long as what I was dealing with wasn't exceptionally heavy. Even office work where it became routine would be good.

I bet i'd miss my Luna baby. I'm sure that'd worsen my depression... :(

I'M AT CON! HUZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!?!?!?

Jittery.

Drank almost all of one can of AMP.

Wonder if I'll sleep tonight, lawlololol.

NOTHING TO DO ATM.

GAME ROOM IS TOO SMALL.

DON'T WANNA WALK SOMEWHERE TO GET FOODDDDZZZ/

HAHA!

Nightmares

SON OF A bi-

Haha...

So uh, I woke up from "slender" static. I literally jumped forward awake. My heart was just racing so quickly, I mean dude! WTF. It was one of those things where I wanted to fight sleep because I was scared of it.

What else? Oh. The repetitive nightmare of losing my memory, like blacking out where I act totally different and don't remember. And on top of that nightmare, it even had bugs of like three different kinds in it. They were awful! In your ears, on your skin. 

Nervous shiver, bring right shoulder up and make disgusted face.

Gyah.

Tongue out of mouth to make vomit like noise.

But uh... It's work week! Three days, two til' 10, tonight only til 9.

I'm gonna try the maneuver still, but i'm starting to feel ALOT more down on myself after thinking about it. I mean hell- why would he like me anyways?

Breathe. Just breathe. (Talking about the 29th)

Also... I had a weird dream last night! (April 1st, night of 31st)

and this fish taste like nothing.

My 25th birthday and the day after /nsfw/

So. I'm back. It's been like half a month, and well... my birthday dinner on the 26th was good, being mostly lazy on the 27th was pretty chill and work on monday of the 28th wasn't super terrible. But it wasn't my birthday (28th) that really hammered home, but the day after that really spoke to me. Since someone had said they'd be fine with taking me home on Tuesday's would be fine since I was going to help close the store and all I've gotta say I was NOT expecting how the ride home turned out and I feel like I may have made some of it up in my own mind even. I mean... listening to Ice Ice baby is fine, but when a song like... 

Akon - I wanna fuck you

Comes on... I kinda wondered if the other person in the vehicle was going to turn it. HOWEVER, instead of turning said song; I got the low-down on their personal life- *cough/sex life/cough* and uh, how they haven't been getting any. I could've sworn I had the biggest lady boner/blush on my face.

As; I dunno if this was said previously, but, I have this HUGE crush on this person at my work and HO-LIE shit. I was kinda looking out the window and trying to avoid glances cause I know I would've just cracked had I really been paying super attention. ESPECIALLY when they sing a song lyric/line from the song itself. I just....

WAS THIS A DREAM!?!

AM I STUPID!?!

Is it real life or just a fantasy?

ALSO. 

What do you call a boyfriend who doesn't answer your message and you know he's up and online(you even message him on the game console)?

1. Not into you.

2. A joke?

3. Depressed.

Shrugs.

Is it also bad that i'm in lala land over something stupid that I shouldn't do while my actual bf may have cancer and be dying? I've just seen so much death, and heard the c-word so much lately that my mind is beginning to create walls so I don't get hurt. The nightmares about my fucking molesty grandfather don't help either. I wish I would've been smart enough while I was young to tell, then he would've been arrested for that bullshit. Nothing I can do now except have a meet and greet with him and give him the finger and tell him how much I hate him. That's in the line up.

But it's behind my convention, and the fact we're being evicted because of a no-follow up renewel on the lease. Whatever. The old man landlord is batshit crazy letting whoever the old woman is to fuckin' tell us to get out. I'm just walking around on fire, brushing the dust off my shoulders and trying to find a stress relief.

I'm currently glad that hell week is going on right now, so I can be off it for con. 

I can't wait to have my bfs big jewish cock inside me. Fuck I miss him, I just wish he'd talk to me more. 

I also wish he'd send me newds ;)

I'm horrible fer fuck sakes. 

My heart is so poly though it hurts.

It's hard being in an LDR when my bodies just always lusting and my hearts always searching for someone new to add into the circle. I can break the two apart and see which ones mean something now. And I know how to gauge people from a distance to know if they're even worth my time.

Son of a bitch.

Need to roleplay this~ ♥

Crying, alone, again

 When I get upset....

I feel like I have to eat....

When people do things to my mind, that hurts me...

It does this...

Now i'm looking at a full box of samoas, a large cup of milk and a bed full of clothes at almost 2am-- SOON TO BE 3AM and wishing that I didn't exist.

I look at my stomach, it bulges.

I look at my breasts, my mind fights back and forth- and it hurts, they're there, what I wish I had doesn't exist on me and I just... everything screams at me like its wrong.

And then I remember why I don't change.

Noone sees me the way I do.

Noone has this mental image of how I want to be.

And then I remember another reason why I don't change.

I just want /him/ to love me.

And it hurts even more.

Because i'm hurting someone else whose close to my heart.

Whose shown me mostly nothing but kindness.

And then I realize.

I'm alone, with myself who has to deal with all of this.

I have to decide if I'll eat the cookies, and drink the milk.

I have to decide if I'll take the pain killer and muscle relaxant that helps me sleep.

Because i'm alone.

And noone cares what hurts me.

If you can't use he for me, use they/them/their, please. [NSFW!]

Because when you don't... I feel like ripping myself apart.

These things on my chest, they do damage to my body, 

and I don't feel like they belong to me in any way shape or form, 

I won't use them for what they were made for, 

same with the genitals of the lower area. 

This is not who I am.

I want to roleplay more

I NEED TO ROLEPLAY MORE!!!

There are like, so many things I wanna roleplay.

A new thing I wanna roleplay is this,

Another night, another repetitive dream

Yep. Another Markimoo dream..

It was weird, I remember some of it, but eh.

Shrugs.

Doesn't matter right now.

I don't feel well.

My body is shaky and I'm too friggen hot, so I have the fan running on me.

Forcing myself to play minecraft cause I just feel like shit.

Would love to lay here and do nothing but I can't do something like that.

Wonder if I hurt myself earlier trying to bind my breasts without a proper binder.

It'd be easier if they were just removable.

Stupid fucking.. things...

Do I have the Audacity?

Well, actually I do.

I think i'm going to mess around creatively with this application. 

Coincidence?

So I was previously listening to Resistance by Muse and then suddenly this starts playing.

What should I think?

Owl Writing

This normally works for me, but tonight I feel so broken.

I'm so upset with myself.

I knew how this year was going to be.

I need to be able to write again.

And I remember that fortune that told me, "You have to go to him, he won't come to you."

I need to be able to type the words I feel.

But I just want so much for that to be untrue.

I want them to mean something.

What if I risk it all just to meet him?

I'm sick of hurting inside.

Put all my money into one thing.

But my words lay on flat ears.

Go big, or go home.

I want to.

What else do I have to live for?

I just...

I need that imbalance, that middle that grey goddamn middle ground to go away!

I'm sick of it.

I either want to be nothing, or something.

I can't afford the help I need.

And I can't even destroy myself in my room anymore, alone...

I misplaced my favorite object now.

Its probably in one of the boxes in my room.

I may end up needing it again, unfortunately.

I don't know how long I can last being here by myself.

But I can't find anyone else who matches personality with me.

Don't get me wrong, I love ______.

But he lives too far away.

I need to be held, I need to be told that I look good, that i'm smart or.. something.

I need to be able to sleep in someones arms again.

For seven years I was there.

I can say I miss that.

Never waking up alone.

I'm sick of it!

Two (Markiplier) Fanfics up on WattPad and Archive of Our Own now!

Forced Nature -
Forced Nature
Elevator to Heaven -
Elevator to Heaven

Fuckin' weird day.

Today is the most odd day EVER.

SO I get outta bed take a shower, do the usual and then go out and procede to ask roommate #1 why they always get off the game system their playing when I come out. Yes, I want them out of my friggen seat because EVERY DAMN TIME THEY'RE IN IT WHEN I COME OUT THERE.

My right leg has been bothering me, get outta my seat- DON'T MAKE ME WRITE MY NAME ON IT D:

Uhm. Oh. I'm am discouraged and unhappy with the current guest standing for A&G. As much as I love backing them and such- you cannot say some sort of event or just panelist is a guest. I don't know ANY of the people, and barely knew the first guest- AND the only reason we got HIM is because he asked. 

If you're gonna agree to go into debt and get us VIP's who have bought the 200dollar badge for three years in a row, i'd like you to ask and take into note who they want to see. I know it doesn't sound fair for the other people who buy badges but we do put a whole-some chunk of our paychecks into your hands. I go because I enjoy it, it makes me happy as a vacation but when theirs really noone to meet-n-greet then... whats the point of the VIP badge to begin with?

I'm GLAD that Peter is a voice actor of Xemnas of Kingdom Hearts and Konakawa of Paprika!

Without him being there I would've been sad to have bought a ticket.

I'm not being mean but... yeah...

ANYWAYS.

Further into this weird day.

After getting groceries, we returned home and as we sat there, and gathered up groceries there was a man.

He was standing just behind the large church, in their parking area.

He was a raving lunatic.

No joke.

And its funny but the first thing that came to mind was, "Oh no its the zombie apocalypse."

I know, right, funny huh?

But seriously, he was like waving his arms around and saying a bunch of weird things and throwing in a few curses and just loosing his mind!

I don't feel safe seeing these sort of things.

And its sad because I immediately started searching for my pocket knife as a defense mechanism.

Anyways, all of you please stay safe, where ever you are!

6AM (5/5 favorite Random Encounters Videos!)

You Win!

UNDER WHAT!?! (4/5 favorite Random Encounters Videos!)

UNDERTALE!

It's ME! (3/5 favorite Random Encounters Videos!)

GET OUTTA HERE FAZBEAR!

I'm going to college! (2/5 favorite Random Encounters Videos!)

SIKE!

Aren't you a little early? (1/5 favorite Random Encounters Videos!)

YES!

It's just SMART, people! Please vote!

I'd like to thank all of the youth who could've voted but did not in each of the states where the bullshit won. Would I like a female president? Yes. Hillary? No. Is Trump a better choice? No. Who would I like to vote for? BERNIE SANDERS. I DON'T WANT TRUMP OR HILLARY. For fuck sakes. PEOPLE. PLEASE VOTE.

THIS IS NOT OKAY!

Bernie Sanders in recent Democratic polls  CNN / ORC Int. (Feb 27)  NBC / Survey Monkey (Feb 21)  Fox News (Feb 17)  Reuters / Ipsos (Feb 17)  Morning Consult (Feb 16)  Suffolk U. / USA Today (Feb 15)  Quinnipiac University (Feb 15)  NBC / Survey Monkey (Feb 14)  Morning Consult (Feb 11)  Reuters / Ipsos (Feb 10)  Morning Consult (Feb 07)  Rasmussen Reports (Feb 04)  Quinnipiac University (Feb 04)  Public Policy Polling (Feb 03)  Morning Consult (Feb 03) 15-day  average  Clinton 55% 51% 44% 53% 47% 50% 44% 50% 46% 55% 50% 50% 44% 53% 51% 50.75%   Sanders 38% 40% 47% 42% 39% 40% 42% 40% 39% 43% 37% 32% 42% 32% 35% 41.75%