Sat, Oct 13

Time for an update I suppose. Its been forever since I've posted on here but I might as well, right? I've started Zoloft and am no longer on Paroxetine. The Zoloft feels like its holding my broken mind pretty well. I still get a shaky glimpse into my own fears every now and then though. 

I need T

I don't just want it.

I need it.

Bodies need hormones, right?

Well, Estrogen is NOT my fucking friend.

I'm sick of it!

I'M SICK OF THESE THINGS ON MY CHEST!

I just want to be a regular guy.

And I'm sick of being fat.

I wanted to get a pass at Planet Fitness but Mom needs help with bills.

I barely make enough to cover my own ass and now she wants money.

And apparently I also don't do enough around the house!

I USED TO BE SO FAR UP SOMEONE ELSES ASS TO EVER DO ANYTHING.

I'm fucking trying. My own mouth is dying. I probably won't have any teeth left by the time i'm thirty fucking years old. 

Who wants someone whose fat and toothless?

Jfs wants a WHOLE LOTTA DOCUMENTS!

I can't do their shit online.

It doesn't help I haven't gotten my tax return money because my fucking last years stupid tax whatever wasn't kept and I need it and--

I just want a couple piercings and to get my name changed.

It's a start.

God, I hope I don't gain fat-weight on T.

I will scream if anymore of it goes to these stupid, unholy breasts.

;;Nightmares

They are not a good thing, at all!

They make me very anxious when they actually mean-ish something to me.

My greatest worry all summed up.

;;and I felt it yesterday.

Because he wasn't there.

And;; my mind wandered.

It seems if I fall backward, it'll be myself.

No! I don't want to go backward!

I could tell that I was doing better!

Why does it have to be such a fight, a hard, arduous battle with depression!

I hate it!

I need to stay confident!

But it's hard to do it alone.

Why don't I, who needs it as well, get reassurance from anyone?

I try to be a good person...

I just... need a little help too...

Kit helps. I understand, but I started forgetting how I must think to combat this as soon as I decided not to schedule any more visits to my psychologist.

Perhaps not a good choice?