Crying, alone, again

 When I get upset....

I feel like I have to eat....

When people do things to my mind, that hurts me...

It does this...

Now i'm looking at a full box of samoas, a large cup of milk and a bed full of clothes at almost 2am-- SOON TO BE 3AM and wishing that I didn't exist.

I look at my stomach, it bulges.

I look at my breasts, my mind fights back and forth- and it hurts, they're there, what I wish I had doesn't exist on me and I just... everything screams at me like its wrong.

And then I remember why I don't change.

Noone sees me the way I do.

Noone has this mental image of how I want to be.

And then I remember another reason why I don't change.

I just want /him/ to love me.

And it hurts even more.

Because i'm hurting someone else whose close to my heart.

Whose shown me mostly nothing but kindness.

And then I realize.

I'm alone, with myself who has to deal with all of this.

I have to decide if I'll eat the cookies, and drink the milk.

I have to decide if I'll take the pain killer and muscle relaxant that helps me sleep.

Because i'm alone.

And noone cares what hurts me.