2 Months on T

I don't really know what to say? Like, I don't think much has changed AT ALL. I finally got snakebites, but they've migrated. There's not anymore pain, luckily, so I think they've finally settled. When corporate was at the store I was wearing glass studs but they didn't stay in very long, literally took them out when I got home cause they didn't have any flared ends. SAD FACE. Don't worry I have half-rings in right now so I haven't lost them entirely and hope to never do.

Also, i'm super tired of being sheltered at home while Mom and her boyfriend continue to just go wherever, like I was supposed to start going to places and doing applications again. I need a job that has like, a night shift, or afternoon shift like I'm working now. Also, like- wtf are friends anymore? At this point in my transition i'm afraid to friend guys cause i know they're looking at my shirt and I wanna punch them, and if I friend girls they- well, what even am i saying? I've never really "friended" girls its always been more or less like... either frienemies or more than friends.

My mom says my face looks more masculine, I can't really tell? ALSO FFS WHY UNI-BROW!? I'm getting a fucking uni-brow and I just- why!?! I'M UGLY ENOUGH I DON'T NEED A UNI-BROW LIKE RICK SANCHEZ.

*heavy breathing* Oh, apparently I have a obstruction in my throat- like, how? I guess technically it could be from my GERD(GORD), acid-reflex causing scar tissue in my esophageal tract. 

Hmmmm. My sex drive is a little higher than it used to be. But like I don't really get off for vaginal sex anymore, it's mostly anal now.

Issues

Honestly?

I'm writing this after coming down from con-high mostly. I attended A&G, thinking it would be an escape but it only reminded me that I can't be completely happy, and I can't be my "self" right now. I won't be me until after surgery, until after money's been placed down for a name change, until after I've changed. 

Please tell me this is just stupid estrogen kicking my ass. I'm tired of being sensitive! THIS ISN'T ME. I'm not this way, and to top it all off I almost said something I KNOW I would've regretted. And why the hell did I tell Stef of all people about me wanting to bang a Rick Sanchez cosplayer? Geesh, am I stupid. I am sooooo happy that guys are terrible at reading people's flirts, honestly. It's almost 3 am, I have work tomorrow... I should take my night meds and go to sleep... cause the tears are just... NO. Its not me! Its the estrogen! ITS FALSE. ITS UNTRUE. I'M NOT IN LOVE WITH ANYONE ANYMORE. I HATE MY BOSS. AND I DON'T LIKE MY EX. IT'S ALL A HORMONAL LIE. 

Breathe.

Breathe.

Breathe.

Think of something else.

Think of someone who actually cares.

Think of her. Think of relaxing before your actual birthday. Think of cuddling up to her. She cares. ...now, she cares... she didn't use to... I mean who wants to care for a fat... bigger chested ftm..... 

STOP. THESE. THOUGHTS. THEY'RE WRONG. SOME PEOPLE CAN SEE THROUGH THE SKIN.

This is why I type. This is why I blog. Get the thoughts out. Get better. Safe Haven. Safe Space. No regrets. 

Maybe I should do a fanfic of a new OC and RS. Hmn. I need to finish the other two endings of my current fic, though.

Also, I would like to buy Z: BOTW with my next paycheck.

I will be highly upset with my mother if I don't get my taxes done on time because I'll be shorted 500$. I need that money for my piercings I want. ... always use the money to fill the hole inside me... so self-destructive.... reminds me of that resident evil song

Good song.

Used to use that song for my own enjoyment.

Bad thoughts.

Dirty thoughts.

Stress relief.

Have trouble getting off alone anymore.

So difficult.

Need release...

Not now. Should go to sleep now.

Still, have two Markiplier videos and not even watching Game Grumps right now cause of their newest playthrough.

Need to start calling Starbucks.

Need to find a new job.

Get away from these people.

Difficult. Have to find a job that allows trans.

More transgendered people getting killed.

Trump revoked bathroom bill....

Trump ruining everything.

Moron.

Think of something else!

Oral Surgery is on the 20th. Allergy doc on 24th. Hope my mouth is healed well enough by then.

One tooth is close to sinus area. The sideways tooth could potentially damage nerves. One tooth is impacted. One tooth is normal... one broken tooth... expensive operation. Hope there's enough money in moms flexible spending account or I'm screwed. Please god, let there be enough.

April 6th is when I go back to HRT in Columbus at SUPER EARLY 11 AM IN THE MORNING.

All of my hate for being up that early. Have to do that for the operation too.

I wish bronchitis would've been gone. Insurance may not cover sleepy stuff because of it.

.... have to go to JFS and ask about insurance. I don't work enough not to qualify right? Need to ask for a name change paper as well, figure out how costly that'll be.

Mom thinks 50/60 dollars for 6 months of T is cheap. I'm guessing that's the lowest dose. What if I need higher?

....sigh

Sweet dreams are made of these....

So, another one of these AMAZING FREAKING DREAMS! :D Guest appearance by my mentor, lol. This is what I can remember; mentor was rubbing and sucking my tits in front of my boss, who was laying on my old bed at my grandparents' house. BOY did my grandmother exceptionally hate what I was doing with him. She kept coming in and trying to stop me but eventually just left for work, grandpa was busy sleeping. The bedroom door finally got shut. The boss called me beautiful while we had previously been just laying on the bed together. I sucked him and licked up and down his member before I got on him and rode for a little bit. He took over before cumming inside of me. 

SomeOrdinaryDreams

Had my first SOG/Mutahar dream! NSFW, obvs. He had a long cock, haha. It was sad at the end though. I caught a mew on Pokemon go. Then Pokemon became all virtual reality real-esque. And my shitty monthly got in, probably why my dream went sour.

Ffffffffff

Fine, fuck you! And fuck my feelings for you! And fuck me for liking you, and listening to you talk! And fuck life, and me trying to help you! You coulda just been like, "but you're good at it." But instead you're just like no, whatever and I fucking heard the anger in your voice and the stress, and just. I don't want to hurt anyone else! I don't want to piss off, or hurt or anger, or annoy anyone! ... But I know I can't live my life trying to make others happy. It took me so much time to warm up to you all, and then all you do is take me down pegs or two and expect me to be up on my game. UGH! WHY do I like you!?!

My 25th birthday and the day after /nsfw/

So. I'm back. It's been like half a month, and well... my birthday dinner on the 26th was good, being mostly lazy on the 27th was pretty chill and work on monday of the 28th wasn't super terrible. But it wasn't my birthday (28th) that really hammered home, but the day after that really spoke to me. Since someone had said they'd be fine with taking me home on Tuesday's would be fine since I was going to help close the store and all I've gotta say I was NOT expecting how the ride home turned out and I feel like I may have made some of it up in my own mind even. I mean... listening to Ice Ice baby is fine, but when a song like... 

Akon - I wanna fuck you

Comes on... I kinda wondered if the other person in the vehicle was going to turn it. HOWEVER, instead of turning said song; I got the low-down on their personal life- *cough/sex life/cough* and uh, how they haven't been getting any. I could've sworn I had the biggest lady boner/blush on my face.

As; I dunno if this was said previously, but, I have this HUGE crush on this person at my work and HO-LIE shit. I was kinda looking out the window and trying to avoid glances cause I know I would've just cracked had I really been paying super attention. ESPECIALLY when they sing a song lyric/line from the song itself. I just....

WAS THIS A DREAM!?!

AM I STUPID!?!

Is it real life or just a fantasy?

ALSO. 

What do you call a boyfriend who doesn't answer your message and you know he's up and online(you even message him on the game console)?

1. Not into you.

2. A joke?

3. Depressed.

Shrugs.

Is it also bad that i'm in lala land over something stupid that I shouldn't do while my actual bf may have cancer and be dying? I've just seen so much death, and heard the c-word so much lately that my mind is beginning to create walls so I don't get hurt. The nightmares about my fucking molesty grandfather don't help either. I wish I would've been smart enough while I was young to tell, then he would've been arrested for that bullshit. Nothing I can do now except have a meet and greet with him and give him the finger and tell him how much I hate him. That's in the line up.

But it's behind my convention, and the fact we're being evicted because of a no-follow up renewel on the lease. Whatever. The old man landlord is batshit crazy letting whoever the old woman is to fuckin' tell us to get out. I'm just walking around on fire, brushing the dust off my shoulders and trying to find a stress relief.

I'm currently glad that hell week is going on right now, so I can be off it for con. 

I can't wait to have my bfs big jewish cock inside me. Fuck I miss him, I just wish he'd talk to me more. 

I also wish he'd send me newds ;)

I'm horrible fer fuck sakes. 

My heart is so poly though it hurts.

It's hard being in an LDR when my bodies just always lusting and my hearts always searching for someone new to add into the circle. I can break the two apart and see which ones mean something now. And I know how to gauge people from a distance to know if they're even worth my time.

Son of a bitch.

Need to roleplay this~ ♥

If you can't use he for me, use they/them/their, please. [NSFW!]

Because when you don't... I feel like ripping myself apart.

These things on my chest, they do damage to my body, 

and I don't feel like they belong to me in any way shape or form, 

I won't use them for what they were made for, 

same with the genitals of the lower area. 

This is not who I am.

I miss the sound of your heart beating (revamp) [18+]

 You are my courage, my sword and shield 

 Heart under pressure, my wall of stone 

 I am a brick, only weight here 

 You are my angel, I chain to the ground 

 I love the way you laugh dear, I loved how you charm me 

 Can't stop this feeling, can't stop this hoping 

 I'm missing the sound of your lips talking 

 Baby i'm in love with you 

I'm missing the sound of your lips talking

Baby you aren't mine to lose

I'm missing the sound of your lips talking

You showed me heaven, you hurt like hell

I play with secrets, I love like you

Asleep, awake

I can't escape you, can't set you free

I love your full moon rising, whispering like you in mornings

Can't stop this feeling, can't stop this hoping

 I'm missing the sound of your lips talking 

 Baby i'm in love with you 

I'm missing the sound of your lips talking

Baby you aren't mine to lose

I'm missing the sound of your lips talking

Missing you, missing you

I'm missing the sound of your lips talking

Missing you, missing you

Baby I'm cumming, baby I'm cumming

Tell me now, baby I'll cum with you

Baby I'm cumming, baby I'm cumming

Say the words, baby I'll cum with you

Baby I'm in love with you

I'm missing the sound of your lips talking

Baby you weren't mine to lose

I'm missing the sound of your lips talking



I'm missing the sound, I'm missing the sound of your lips talking, talking

I'm missing the sound of your lips talking



Missing you missing you

I'm missing the sound of your lips talking

Missing you missing you

I'm missing the sound of your lips talking

Talking, talking, I'm missing the sound of your lips talking

Convention, No Trust In Self, No Confidence, Who Am I?

So, i've got enough money- now I just gotta purchase the ticket for my con. WOOO! VIP BABY, YEAH!! Things are slowly beginning to turn around. My stomach is currently growling and its 4:35. The "roomie" has gotten a job, and he's doin' it. He better not quit and he better friggen help me with my con! LIKE HE SAID HE WOULD! The jerk! Pfft, however if he doesn't whatevs- he totally didn't get my hopes up with penthouse, ect. *bitter sarcasm.* 

ANYWAYS! So, ticket first, then maybe i'll put down for the actual hotel for two nights where the con actually IS. We'll freaking see. It all depends on how much I make, cause I gotta have some to be able to spend at the con. NOT TO MENTION MY 50+ PHONE BILL PER MONTH! I LOVE THE DEALERS ROOM. *swoons at Japanese stuff.* 

I don't know who the guests are yet, they haven't announced but i'm totally fine with that. I mean i'm mostly going for the dealer's room and Steph!
  

I really hope they got that one certain guest who I've been just DYING to see!! If they don't; I guess another year.

AND NOW, SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT. Fangirlzone. Please by-pass this area down to the next paragraph after this one to not listen to my inner most fangirl/crushingly painful truth.

Well, as most people know me and such has also noticed that I have developed what I believe to me more then a crush on a certain YouTuber. Not many people believe in love ESPECIALLY when someone hasn't met someone else, but the difference between most people and me is that I don't mind shortcomings - NOONE'S PERFECT GOD DANGIT! But I believe- WITH ALL MY HEART! *Pumps fist into air crazily, eyes shinning bright to the heavens above.* That I am in love! With a handsome, young man! Who has his ups and downs just like everyone else! Can be kind of a douche! But has his heart in the right place.

 

                                          ...To be honest... though.. I know that... well.. he'd never even consider me as a possible mate. 

How am I meant to trust myself? My heart yearns for things that I know I'm not good enough to have. I could put on a front and act like I am good enough, that I shine with confidence but it won't change the fact that I don't. I'm so torn, so broken, shattered- lie or don't lie? Hurt someone with the truth, or hide the true self behind a mask. Honesty... all it seems to do is harm people. I have no confidence in myself. I don't trust myself.

I don't think I was close to drawing blood but I finally got so hurt the other night... I drew my knife acrossed my left arm and made some marks. The physical pain eased the emotional. It was all I could do to quite the yelling at myself, the hatred at myself. I deserve so much more physical pain from someone else. But they don't give it to me... so I gave it to myself. 

Steph said something to me that made me inwardly gasp. I felt every part of myself shatter again. Is he right about me? Am I using a term for my own selfish and basic human needs? Am I just a heartless wench? Maybe I should forfeit any kind of true relationship. I don't deserve him. I don't deserve anyone. I'm fucking filth, scum of the earth. Some heartless, attention seeking, pleasure slut. 

                                                                                                  

That's... not all of me is it? That's not the biggest part, is it? I mean my mind wanders off to the gutter way too much. But I-.. I'm fluid.. I'm masculine yet feminine. I've mentally got a dick, yet physically don't. I can be a bitch or an asshole. It's just a piece that makes up some of the whole of me, right?                           What else am I?

That's right. I'm typing. I'm good at it too. I don't have to look at my laptops keys. What do I do on the internet though? Social networking, gaming, trying to roleplay, chatting, dealing with people, trying to be there for some. Trying. I do that alot, don't I? But I typically can't back up too much.               What else?

              

Oh, I know! Thinking! I do ALOT of thinking! But sometimes it can become daydreaming, which isn't very good, am I right? I have a wild imagination. And sometimes I overthink and make my depression worsen for awhile. Yeah, that's really bad. What about hoping? Yeah, I try that sometimes. It doesn't always work out though; actually.. it doesn't ever really work out. Typically when I get my hopes up they're dashed pretty well. I suppose I shouldn't assume that something will EVER go my way...
What more is there to me?

Yep! Gaming. That is most definitely me. Sometimes I honestly wish I knew the kind of mathematics that go into game programming because I'd LOVE to create the world of Hirikotetsu/Hirikotetsen. However, that's a dream that can never be completely realized due to it being MATH. Hate math. 

Anything else?

Oh. Those.. yeah... hahaha.. I mean... who NEEDS to let out emotions? Not this person! Haha, no! Why would I ever?

NEXT.

Oh, c'mon! We've already mentioned this already! Yeah, I might be sorta kinda.. a nymphomaniac. However, that's probably because my thirst isn't quenched. Like... ever. This could be due to the fact i'm in an LDR. And don't even get me started on my fetishes and all the things I WANT to experience but can't. It is NOT fair. I want to be on both ends of the handcuffs/silken tie.

I know this part'll sound shallow but I can't just sleep with anyone, OK? I have a certain body type i'm typically attracted to. There are very few moments where the type isn't totally necessary. However, doing something against my type makes me feel sick and disgusted with myself. Which is one of those things that kinda helps me be truthful when I tell someone they look good....