Issues

Honestly?

I'm writing this after coming down from con-high mostly. I attended A&G, thinking it would be an escape but it only reminded me that I can't be completely happy, and I can't be my "self" right now. I won't be me until after surgery, until after money's been placed down for a name change, until after I've changed. 

Please tell me this is just stupid estrogen kicking my ass. I'm tired of being sensitive! THIS ISN'T ME. I'm not this way, and to top it all off I almost said something I KNOW I would've regretted. And why the hell did I tell Stef of all people about me wanting to bang a Rick Sanchez cosplayer? Geesh, am I stupid. I am sooooo happy that guys are terrible at reading people's flirts, honestly. It's almost 3 am, I have work tomorrow... I should take my night meds and go to sleep... cause the tears are just... NO. Its not me! Its the estrogen! ITS FALSE. ITS UNTRUE. I'M NOT IN LOVE WITH ANYONE ANYMORE. I HATE MY BOSS. AND I DON'T LIKE MY EX. IT'S ALL A HORMONAL LIE. 

Breathe.

Breathe.

Breathe.

Think of something else.

Think of someone who actually cares.

Think of her. Think of relaxing before your actual birthday. Think of cuddling up to her. She cares. ...now, she cares... she didn't use to... I mean who wants to care for a fat... bigger chested ftm..... 

STOP. THESE. THOUGHTS. THEY'RE WRONG. SOME PEOPLE CAN SEE THROUGH THE SKIN.

This is why I type. This is why I blog. Get the thoughts out. Get better. Safe Haven. Safe Space. No regrets. 

Maybe I should do a fanfic of a new OC and RS. Hmn. I need to finish the other two endings of my current fic, though.

Also, I would like to buy Z: BOTW with my next paycheck.

I will be highly upset with my mother if I don't get my taxes done on time because I'll be shorted 500$. I need that money for my piercings I want. ... always use the money to fill the hole inside me... so self-destructive.... reminds me of that resident evil song

Good song.

Used to use that song for my own enjoyment.

Bad thoughts.

Dirty thoughts.

Stress relief.

Have trouble getting off alone anymore.

So difficult.

Need release...

Not now. Should go to sleep now.

Still, have two Markiplier videos and not even watching Game Grumps right now cause of their newest playthrough.

Need to start calling Starbucks.

Need to find a new job.

Get away from these people.

Difficult. Have to find a job that allows trans.

More transgendered people getting killed.

Trump revoked bathroom bill....

Trump ruining everything.

Moron.

Think of something else!

Oral Surgery is on the 20th. Allergy doc on 24th. Hope my mouth is healed well enough by then.

One tooth is close to sinus area. The sideways tooth could potentially damage nerves. One tooth is impacted. One tooth is normal... one broken tooth... expensive operation. Hope there's enough money in moms flexible spending account or I'm screwed. Please god, let there be enough.

April 6th is when I go back to HRT in Columbus at SUPER EARLY 11 AM IN THE MORNING.

All of my hate for being up that early. Have to do that for the operation too.

I wish bronchitis would've been gone. Insurance may not cover sleepy stuff because of it.

.... have to go to JFS and ask about insurance. I don't work enough not to qualify right? Need to ask for a name change paper as well, figure out how costly that'll be.

Mom thinks 50/60 dollars for 6 months of T is cheap. I'm guessing that's the lowest dose. What if I need higher?

....sigh

PewDieDreams & Linear Survivor Dreams

Here's what I remember:

So I remember from the dream that I am like half cat/half wolf as well or something because like I didn't feel fully human and I could jump from any height and take no damage to my body. Keep this in mind.

So I got to meet Felix, Pewds aka Mr. Macho Subscriber man. It was some sort of con or just a meet up at a hotel or something. I think I snuck out from my room cause I was on the VIP floor and went to see Felix. His door was open so I went in. We chilled and flirted back and forth and then things got weird as he helicoptered his dick in front of me. He put it away once but later he did it again. It was fucking LONG. I grabbed it from him and took it into my mouth. Mostly the tip. I licked the sides, the head and did weird stuff to it with my tongue. Felix started to get off. As he got closer he started to mess with me. Now, because of my dysphoria, I'm not 100% on the hole he used but he just stuck it into me and came. I remember thinking I was gonna get preggers so it was probably the stupid vijay. 

Suddenly I and he hear a commotion coming from outside the room. My view pans to someone else's, and she's PISSED. Felix knows IMMEDIATELY who it is- and she just happens to know what he's done like she's connected to him in a way. He goes out to try and calm her, I'm not sure what happens then but she storms into the room and I jolt out the window. I pan down, my fear of heights isn't kicking in and I land hands first then feet. I do this throughout the city, leaping to new heights, sometimes I'd leap down and grip something with the top of my toes before letting myself hit the ground.

#2.

This one's shorter, as it contains a bit of an oddity to me.

So this guy wanted to take over the top of someplace and destroy dragons but like something happened and the world started to freeze, one good dragon became me and a couple other people's friend. We went to this underground bunker, the front door wouldn't close, it was frozen over. But other than that we all huddled in different areas. I was with a couple different people but we all seemed to get bored and people would split up and I and a few guys headed for some huge area, where a bunch of odd military vehicles was. 

We fidgetted with things but there were rough sexual overtones going on here. At one point I was throwing something at people and got caught, some bigger more military Esque dude who looked slightly similar to Gladious from FFXV but much more handsome. He took away what I had before I fell backward into the back of a truck of some sort before I grabbed the neck of his shirt and pulled him down with me. His bulge made contact with my crotch and I pulled him forward further, starting to make out with him before-- BAM

I wake up. :(

Sweet dreams are made of these....

So, another one of these AMAZING FREAKING DREAMS! :D Guest appearance by my mentor, lol. This is what I can remember; mentor was rubbing and sucking my tits in front of my boss, who was laying on my old bed at my grandparents' house. BOY did my grandmother exceptionally hate what I was doing with him. She kept coming in and trying to stop me but eventually just left for work, grandpa was busy sleeping. The bedroom door finally got shut. The boss called me beautiful while we had previously been just laying on the bed together. I sucked him and licked up and down his member before I got on him and rode for a little bit. He took over before cumming inside of me. 

JackSepticDreams

Well, how very unordinary. This dream wasn't sexual or romantic at all. It was extremely weird tbh. Well, about the only thing close to sexual was that I was sitting on Jack's lap a few different times; but only to record him playing some game. The dreams a bit blurry already. Probably because I only got six hours of sleep so far. What else do I remember? I remember at one point there was this huge party going on. There were these alcoholic bubble like shots in a bowl on the table. Jack stayed with me for like three days, I do believe, which ended on a Sunday. I'm 65.9 % sure that we hung out and laid down on a bed together, clothed obvs. 

A little unsteady

That was some dream huh? My boss got stupid drunk and I took care of him and didn't take advantage of him. It was weird because I think the reason he did it was because he thought he was going to be fired. I was so caring and loving while he was drunk... But I also felt so happy because I was able to touch him (not sexually).

;It makes it hard to wake up

Nuzzling with Sean (JackSepticEye), and then HE kisses my nose in the dream after we're pushed closer and I stare at him, and he stares back. Stupid alarm clock! Stupid real life! My life is so much better in my dreams... :(