2 Months on T

I don't really know what to say? Like, I don't think much has changed AT ALL. I finally got snakebites, but they've migrated. There's not anymore pain, luckily, so I think they've finally settled. When corporate was at the store I was wearing glass studs but they didn't stay in very long, literally took them out when I got home cause they didn't have any flared ends. SAD FACE. Don't worry I have half-rings in right now so I haven't lost them entirely and hope to never do.

Also, i'm super tired of being sheltered at home while Mom and her boyfriend continue to just go wherever, like I was supposed to start going to places and doing applications again. I need a job that has like, a night shift, or afternoon shift like I'm working now. Also, like- wtf are friends anymore? At this point in my transition i'm afraid to friend guys cause i know they're looking at my shirt and I wanna punch them, and if I friend girls they- well, what even am i saying? I've never really "friended" girls its always been more or less like... either frienemies or more than friends.

My mom says my face looks more masculine, I can't really tell? ALSO FFS WHY UNI-BROW!? I'm getting a fucking uni-brow and I just- why!?! I'M UGLY ENOUGH I DON'T NEED A UNI-BROW LIKE RICK SANCHEZ.

*heavy breathing* Oh, apparently I have a obstruction in my throat- like, how? I guess technically it could be from my GERD(GORD), acid-reflex causing scar tissue in my esophageal tract. 

Hmmmm. My sex drive is a little higher than it used to be. But like I don't really get off for vaginal sex anymore, it's mostly anal now.

Issues

Honestly?

I'm writing this after coming down from con-high mostly. I attended A&G, thinking it would be an escape but it only reminded me that I can't be completely happy, and I can't be my "self" right now. I won't be me until after surgery, until after money's been placed down for a name change, until after I've changed. 

Please tell me this is just stupid estrogen kicking my ass. I'm tired of being sensitive! THIS ISN'T ME. I'm not this way, and to top it all off I almost said something I KNOW I would've regretted. And why the hell did I tell Stef of all people about me wanting to bang a Rick Sanchez cosplayer? Geesh, am I stupid. I am sooooo happy that guys are terrible at reading people's flirts, honestly. It's almost 3 am, I have work tomorrow... I should take my night meds and go to sleep... cause the tears are just... NO. Its not me! Its the estrogen! ITS FALSE. ITS UNTRUE. I'M NOT IN LOVE WITH ANYONE ANYMORE. I HATE MY BOSS. AND I DON'T LIKE MY EX. IT'S ALL A HORMONAL LIE. 

Breathe.

Breathe.

Breathe.

Think of something else.

Think of someone who actually cares.

Think of her. Think of relaxing before your actual birthday. Think of cuddling up to her. She cares. ...now, she cares... she didn't use to... I mean who wants to care for a fat... bigger chested ftm..... 

STOP. THESE. THOUGHTS. THEY'RE WRONG. SOME PEOPLE CAN SEE THROUGH THE SKIN.

This is why I type. This is why I blog. Get the thoughts out. Get better. Safe Haven. Safe Space. No regrets. 

Maybe I should do a fanfic of a new OC and RS. Hmn. I need to finish the other two endings of my current fic, though.

Also, I would like to buy Z: BOTW with my next paycheck.

I will be highly upset with my mother if I don't get my taxes done on time because I'll be shorted 500$. I need that money for my piercings I want. ... always use the money to fill the hole inside me... so self-destructive.... reminds me of that resident evil song

Good song.

Used to use that song for my own enjoyment.

Bad thoughts.

Dirty thoughts.

Stress relief.

Have trouble getting off alone anymore.

So difficult.

Need release...

Not now. Should go to sleep now.

Still, have two Markiplier videos and not even watching Game Grumps right now cause of their newest playthrough.

Need to start calling Starbucks.

Need to find a new job.

Get away from these people.

Difficult. Have to find a job that allows trans.

More transgendered people getting killed.

Trump revoked bathroom bill....

Trump ruining everything.

Moron.

Think of something else!

Oral Surgery is on the 20th. Allergy doc on 24th. Hope my mouth is healed well enough by then.

One tooth is close to sinus area. The sideways tooth could potentially damage nerves. One tooth is impacted. One tooth is normal... one broken tooth... expensive operation. Hope there's enough money in moms flexible spending account or I'm screwed. Please god, let there be enough.

April 6th is when I go back to HRT in Columbus at SUPER EARLY 11 AM IN THE MORNING.

All of my hate for being up that early. Have to do that for the operation too.

I wish bronchitis would've been gone. Insurance may not cover sleepy stuff because of it.

.... have to go to JFS and ask about insurance. I don't work enough not to qualify right? Need to ask for a name change paper as well, figure out how costly that'll be.

Mom thinks 50/60 dollars for 6 months of T is cheap. I'm guessing that's the lowest dose. What if I need higher?

....sigh

Updating from my phone - Light annoyance

So, the guy I lightly had a crush on at work is a no go. He's a complete asshole. I asked for help and instead of just asking he gives me an only if I let him do something. He was supposed to leave in fifteen minutes but instead he stayed until like 15 after helping someone else cause I told him he didn't need the radio for fifteen minutes. I was using it! It was playing my music FOR ONCE. Nobody shows me any respect except Wes, and even that isn't very often. I'm not a physical person when it comes to work, I wish I had a job in Cosplay, anime convention staff, adult fiction writer, just something where I could use my skills or open mindedness!