RANT to let it all out

I'm tired mentally. 

I'm scared socially. 

I'm alone physically. 

I've just been under a lot of pressure and stress.

Car accident, doctors office visits, er visits, two teeth pulling in a month, my job being stressful af, I may still have feelings for my married boss, I may be having mixed feelings about my testosterone changes because I'm afraid people are gonna start acting differently to me, I worry, I overthink, I compensate by spending too much, I'm alone where I live (no friends), my mom's job change to Columbus fell through, I need a better job, my low BP number has been a little high lately, they couldn't get blood from me for my 3-month draw, we have to deal with a lawyer. 

4 months on T (soon)

204 is my low currently. 25mg T. Four months. My arm, leg, stomach and (tmi) butt hairs are courser, some are darker. I have very small light colored hairs on my upper lip. HOWEVER. I have dark hairs growing on my neck and chin. Perhaps the T is working too quickly? My voice is crackly   and poppy still.

3 months on T

The changes have really amped up.

My voice has dropped some.

On March 4th of this year, my Average pitch was 207Hz.

July 14th my average pitch is 161Hz.

My clitoris has a small head on it and sticks out a little when I'm aroused.

My face is a lot greasier than previous, zits galore; which I hate.

The hairs on my arms and legs are coarser and darker. I have very light peach fuzz on the sides of my upper lips. My head hair has receded into a more masculine line. It also doesn't seem to be growing as fast as it used to. I can't tell if I'm growing any hair on my chin, I thought I felt some light hairs but maybe they've always been there?

Did I mention I get horny a lot? 

2 Months on T

I don't really know what to say? Like, I don't think much has changed AT ALL. I finally got snakebites, but they've migrated. There's not anymore pain, luckily, so I think they've finally settled. When corporate was at the store I was wearing glass studs but they didn't stay in very long, literally took them out when I got home cause they didn't have any flared ends. SAD FACE. Don't worry I have half-rings in right now so I haven't lost them entirely and hope to never do.

Also, i'm super tired of being sheltered at home while Mom and her boyfriend continue to just go wherever, like I was supposed to start going to places and doing applications again. I need a job that has like, a night shift, or afternoon shift like I'm working now. Also, like- wtf are friends anymore? At this point in my transition i'm afraid to friend guys cause i know they're looking at my shirt and I wanna punch them, and if I friend girls they- well, what even am i saying? I've never really "friended" girls its always been more or less like... either frienemies or more than friends.

My mom says my face looks more masculine, I can't really tell? ALSO FFS WHY UNI-BROW!? I'm getting a fucking uni-brow and I just- why!?! I'M UGLY ENOUGH I DON'T NEED A UNI-BROW LIKE RICK SANCHEZ.

*heavy breathing* Oh, apparently I have a obstruction in my throat- like, how? I guess technically it could be from my GERD(GORD), acid-reflex causing scar tissue in my esophageal tract. 

Hmmmm. My sex drive is a little higher than it used to be. But like I don't really get off for vaginal sex anymore, it's mostly anal now.

T-shot #2

I had my second shot today.

Apparently, my blood wanted to try to escape.

It dripped down my arm and onto my leg.

Mom made me elevate my arm.

Next time we need to make sure we have a cotton ball ready, that's for hella sure.

Got super queasy and anxious, almost passed out. Quickly self-medicated by turning the fan on, removing clothes, and drinking water; obviously after the band-aid had been put on. 

Yooka-Laylee is alright so far. It was definitely not what I was expecting. I was hoping for more old-school style than what I got. The character controls sort of wonky like he's always got someplace to be. I don't care for the current "boss", B is more like some dumb shit then a good old fashioned archnemesis, and Quackers is boring af. As far as this being a collectible game, it just doesn't feel like it. You don't keep the golden feathers or the Mollycools. They have to be used. So technically you're not collecting them, you're just getting them to give away.

I started T almost a week ago

I don't honestly know how I'm supposed to feel?

My brains acting kind of weird, to be honest.

The next day after the shot I woke up at 7 am with my heart beating out of my chest and anxiety running through me like electric. I vomited, and then I was back and forth from the bed and the bathtub for hours. Tossing, and turning and trying to sleep, and trying to settle myself down.

Awful. Just awful.

I hope my body doesn't react the same way.

I mean it may have been the mix between just starting menses, taking an antibiotic AGAIN and the new shot of T. Man that migraine/headache was terrible. It made me exhausted.

I need T

I don't just want it.

I need it.

Bodies need hormones, right?

Well, Estrogen is NOT my fucking friend.

I'm sick of it!

I'M SICK OF THESE THINGS ON MY CHEST!

I just want to be a regular guy.

And I'm sick of being fat.

I wanted to get a pass at Planet Fitness but Mom needs help with bills.

I barely make enough to cover my own ass and now she wants money.

And apparently I also don't do enough around the house!

I USED TO BE SO FAR UP SOMEONE ELSES ASS TO EVER DO ANYTHING.

I'm fucking trying. My own mouth is dying. I probably won't have any teeth left by the time i'm thirty fucking years old. 

Who wants someone whose fat and toothless?

Jfs wants a WHOLE LOTTA DOCUMENTS!

I can't do their shit online.

It doesn't help I haven't gotten my tax return money because my fucking last years stupid tax whatever wasn't kept and I need it and--

I just want a couple piercings and to get my name changed.

It's a start.

God, I hope I don't gain fat-weight on T.

I will scream if anymore of it goes to these stupid, unholy breasts.

Issues

Honestly?

I'm writing this after coming down from con-high mostly. I attended A&G, thinking it would be an escape but it only reminded me that I can't be completely happy, and I can't be my "self" right now. I won't be me until after surgery, until after money's been placed down for a name change, until after I've changed. 

Please tell me this is just stupid estrogen kicking my ass. I'm tired of being sensitive! THIS ISN'T ME. I'm not this way, and to top it all off I almost said something I KNOW I would've regretted. And why the hell did I tell Stef of all people about me wanting to bang a Rick Sanchez cosplayer? Geesh, am I stupid. I am sooooo happy that guys are terrible at reading people's flirts, honestly. It's almost 3 am, I have work tomorrow... I should take my night meds and go to sleep... cause the tears are just... NO. Its not me! Its the estrogen! ITS FALSE. ITS UNTRUE. I'M NOT IN LOVE WITH ANYONE ANYMORE. I HATE MY BOSS. AND I DON'T LIKE MY EX. IT'S ALL A HORMONAL LIE. 

Breathe.

Breathe.

Breathe.

Think of something else.

Think of someone who actually cares.

Think of her. Think of relaxing before your actual birthday. Think of cuddling up to her. She cares. ...now, she cares... she didn't use to... I mean who wants to care for a fat... bigger chested ftm..... 

STOP. THESE. THOUGHTS. THEY'RE WRONG. SOME PEOPLE CAN SEE THROUGH THE SKIN.

This is why I type. This is why I blog. Get the thoughts out. Get better. Safe Haven. Safe Space. No regrets. 

Maybe I should do a fanfic of a new OC and RS. Hmn. I need to finish the other two endings of my current fic, though.

Also, I would like to buy Z: BOTW with my next paycheck.

I will be highly upset with my mother if I don't get my taxes done on time because I'll be shorted 500$. I need that money for my piercings I want. ... always use the money to fill the hole inside me... so self-destructive.... reminds me of that resident evil song

Good song.

Used to use that song for my own enjoyment.

Bad thoughts.

Dirty thoughts.

Stress relief.

Have trouble getting off alone anymore.

So difficult.

Need release...

Not now. Should go to sleep now.

Still, have two Markiplier videos and not even watching Game Grumps right now cause of their newest playthrough.

Need to start calling Starbucks.

Need to find a new job.

Get away from these people.

Difficult. Have to find a job that allows trans.

More transgendered people getting killed.

Trump revoked bathroom bill....

Trump ruining everything.

Moron.

Think of something else!

Oral Surgery is on the 20th. Allergy doc on 24th. Hope my mouth is healed well enough by then.

One tooth is close to sinus area. The sideways tooth could potentially damage nerves. One tooth is impacted. One tooth is normal... one broken tooth... expensive operation. Hope there's enough money in moms flexible spending account or I'm screwed. Please god, let there be enough.

April 6th is when I go back to HRT in Columbus at SUPER EARLY 11 AM IN THE MORNING.

All of my hate for being up that early. Have to do that for the operation too.

I wish bronchitis would've been gone. Insurance may not cover sleepy stuff because of it.

.... have to go to JFS and ask about insurance. I don't work enough not to qualify right? Need to ask for a name change paper as well, figure out how costly that'll be.

Mom thinks 50/60 dollars for 6 months of T is cheap. I'm guessing that's the lowest dose. What if I need higher?

....sigh

Inner thoughts

After completely swearing off even trying to find a relationship the circles come full roundness... uh, what?

Doesn't matter.

I know that the two guys I still find extremely attractive, and several others are all taken, and that's okay. There's nothing wrong with a bit of fantasizing as long as they're not married.

Noted in my book.

God dangit my hands are cold!!!

Mostly my right hand, haha.

Uhm... let me think...

I don't have much of an update for this post, even though its been awhile. 

SO THIS IS HERE! HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA!

Arin's shooten his lazers.

I've started figuring out my body a bit better and TMI probably but I think if I push my thinking forward I can keep myself from having my period. 

The problem with thought bodily blocking is it has to be constant, letting my guard down and giving in even for a moment means that it could hit.

But i'm really happy that i've figured out a part of myself.

FtM, with the name of Matt.