So, i've got enough money- now I just gotta purchase the ticket for my con. WOOO! VIP BABY, YEAH!! Things are slowly beginning to turn around. My stomach is currently growling and its 4:35. The "roomie" has gotten a job, and he's doin' it. He better not quit and he better friggen help me with my con! LIKE HE SAID HE WOULD! The jerk! Pfft, however if he doesn't whatevs- he totally didn't get my hopes up with penthouse, ect. *bitter sarcasm.*
ANYWAYS! So, ticket first, then maybe i'll put down for the actual hotel for two nights where the con actually IS. We'll freaking see. It all depends on how much I make, cause I gotta have some to be able to spend at the con. NOT TO MENTION MY 50+ PHONE BILL PER MONTH! I LOVE THE DEALERS ROOM. *swoons at Japanese stuff.*
I don't know who the guests are yet, they haven't announced but i'm totally fine with that. I mean i'm mostly going for the dealer's room and Steph!
I really hope they got that one certain guest who I've been just DYING to see!! If they don't; I guess another year.
AND NOW, SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT. Fangirlzone. Please by-pass this area down to the next paragraph after this one to not listen to my inner most fangirl/crushingly painful truth.
Well, as most people know me and such has also noticed that I have developed what I believe to me more then a crush on a certain YouTuber. Not many people believe in love ESPECIALLY when someone hasn't met someone else, but the difference between most people and me is that I don't mind shortcomings - NOONE'S PERFECT GOD DANGIT! But I believe- WITH ALL MY HEART! *Pumps fist into air crazily, eyes shinning bright to the heavens above.* That I am in love! With a handsome, young man! Who has his ups and downs just like everyone else! Can be kind of a douche! But has his heart in the right place.
...To be honest... though.. I know that... well.. he'd never even consider me as a possible mate.
How am I meant to trust myself? My heart yearns for things that I know I'm not good enough to have. I could put on a front and act like I am good enough, that I shine with confidence but it won't change the fact that I don't. I'm so torn, so broken, shattered- lie or don't lie? Hurt someone with the truth, or hide the true self behind a mask. Honesty... all it seems to do is harm people. I have no confidence in myself. I don't trust myself.
I don't think I was close to drawing blood but I finally got so hurt the other night... I drew my knife acrossed my left arm and made some marks. The physical pain eased the emotional. It was all I could do to quite the yelling at myself, the hatred at myself. I deserve so much more physical pain from someone else. But they don't give it to me... so I gave it to myself.
Steph said something to me that made me inwardly gasp. I felt every part of myself shatter again. Is he right about me? Am I using a term for my own selfish and basic human needs? Am I just a heartless wench? Maybe I should forfeit any kind of true relationship. I don't deserve him. I don't deserve anyone. I'm fucking filth, scum of the earth. Some heartless, attention seeking, pleasure slut.
That's... not all of me is it? That's not the biggest part, is it? I mean my mind wanders off to the gutter way too much. But I-.. I'm fluid.. I'm masculine yet feminine. I've mentally got a dick, yet physically don't. I can be a bitch or an asshole. It's just a piece that makes up some of the whole of me, right? What else am I?
That's right. I'm typing. I'm good at it too. I don't have to look at my laptops keys. What do I do on the internet though? Social networking, gaming, trying to roleplay, chatting, dealing with people, trying to be there for some. Trying. I do that alot, don't I? But I typically can't back up too much. What else?
Oh, I know! Thinking! I do ALOT of thinking! But sometimes it can become daydreaming, which isn't very good, am I right? I have a wild imagination. And sometimes I overthink and make my depression worsen for awhile. Yeah, that's really bad. What about hoping? Yeah, I try that sometimes. It doesn't always work out though; actually.. it doesn't ever really work out. Typically when I get my hopes up they're dashed pretty well. I suppose I shouldn't assume that something will EVER go my way...
What more is there to me?
What more is there to me?
Yep! Gaming. That is most definitely me. Sometimes I honestly wish I knew the kind of mathematics that go into game programming because I'd LOVE to create the world of Hirikotetsu/Hirikotetsen. However, that's a dream that can never be completely realized due to it being MATH. Hate math.
Anything else?
Oh. Those.. yeah... hahaha.. I mean... who NEEDS to let out emotions? Not this person! Haha, no! Why would I ever?
NEXT.
Oh, c'mon! We've already mentioned this already! Yeah, I might be sorta kinda.. a nymphomaniac. However, that's probably because my thirst isn't quenched. Like... ever. This could be due to the fact i'm in an LDR. And don't even get me started on my fetishes and all the things I WANT to experience but can't. It is NOT fair. I want to be on both ends of the handcuffs/silken tie.
I know this part'll sound shallow but I can't just sleep with anyone, OK? I have a certain body type i'm typically attracted to. There are very few moments where the type isn't totally necessary. However, doing something against my type makes me feel sick and disgusted with myself. Which is one of those things that kinda helps me be truthful when I tell someone they look good....
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