Dude... Just... DUDE. So I couldn't add money to MY account because my card doesn't let me MAKE deposits. Instead I TOOK the money out (fucking liars at the gas station have a sign hanging above it that says "no surcharge") and gave it to my mom to deposit. Well, when I go to get my ticket all happy and joyously guess what happens? The card gets declined. Well FUCK ME SIDEWAYS! Actually, don't, Please don't. I'm already a GD mess from everything i'm going to have to explain (which will probably be ending in a uh.. separation). I don't know whats wrong with me today either, I've been feeling crumby again. And my stomachs been acting weird. Today I had a pain sliding acrossed my lower stomach and my upper stomach felt like it was hard, er- full? I don't know... I didn't eat the stupid lasagna that was for dinner. I'm sick of carbs. Speaking of carbs. Pop. Yeah... I wish I could just rid myself of it, tbh. Uhm what else? I seriously need to consider going back into my room and just putting a sign on my door that says "Only bother me if its of the utmost importance." I need more me-time and not only fucking that there's someone in my GD bed who won't GTFO. Then mom wonders why I don't wanna go to bed rn. I understand he supposedly works the weekdays but still- sheesh. I think I'll be taking my room back soon...
Sometimes I feel like I have wings. It used to be angel wings; I think. I'm not sure anymore. I've fallen away from faith with all the bad that's happened. What's the point of going through trials on Earth if all we're meant to do in Heaven is praise? Yes, I understand he's our creator- actually, I can't talk about this anymore right now I keep getting this sick feeling in my head and stomach and chest, and I... I just want to break down and cry. I just want things to be simple, not so complex. People make promises to me and break them. My work clothes aren't always fully cleaned when I go in. My pants are stained.
It's so hard. It's so hard to fight with yourself daily. The imbalance kills me. A part of me is hope and a total hopeless romantic, believing that I am made for something more and that I will have a happy life, and meet someone who matches me so well that they make me happy and don't yell or break promises, and they understand me, and they're like me but less broken and we complete each other.
The other part of me... the disgusted.. depressed, ready to give up, always hurting, slightly insane, problematic, panicky side of me builds, and builds and overflows and pushes back everything. If I could just have a little while... a month.. or more ... where nothing bad happened... maybe then I could hope and be a bit more positive... but people just think that I can change at the snap of a finger when I have years of bad behind me that betrays the hopeful ideals. Why don't people understand this?
Alright, that's enough soul rendering for tonight. I hope things will be better tomorrow. Please.
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