An update

Currently not much is going on tbh. I'm just doing this update because it's been over a month. I now have the new G.U. for ps4. Which I should honestly be playing or something. My friend Arron got mad earlier and rage party left. I hope it wasn't me who did it and I hope he's alright and didn't do anything reckless. We WERE up against a clan and his friend was kind of a douche. We should've just surrendered. I don't mind taking a full loss and dicking around but Arron seems to get too angry over these things.

What else? More friends on WOP. Also a prefect now... don't know how long that'll last. Shrugs. I've gotten mom and grandma some stuff for Christmas so far and I've put up my list. I doubt the family (besides mom and Jamie) will get me anything I really want. Mom got grandma to start taking the CBD oils so hopefully, she'll continue to take them and try to live her life for as long as possible. I understand what mom meant by quality over quantity. I'm trying to work as much as I can on my self-control. It's never been good when it comes to horniness or lust, but depending on how horrible my two weeks have been I try to cut down on money costs.

Wish is quite helpful for spending issues. I even bought myself a shirt on there this time.

RANT to let it all out

I'm tired mentally. 

I'm scared socially. 

I'm alone physically. 

I've just been under a lot of pressure and stress.

Car accident, doctors office visits, er visits, two teeth pulling in a month, my job being stressful af, I may still have feelings for my married boss, I may be having mixed feelings about my testosterone changes because I'm afraid people are gonna start acting differently to me, I worry, I overthink, I compensate by spending too much, I'm alone where I live (no friends), my mom's job change to Columbus fell through, I need a better job, my low BP number has been a little high lately, they couldn't get blood from me for my 3-month draw, we have to deal with a lawyer. 

Found out something neat

You were born on a Thursday and Metatron is the ArchAngel assigned to the day of your birth.

( Site if you want = https://www.angelhaven.com/aod/ )

Click here to view our complete line of products featuring Metatron 
Born: Thursday
Presiding Archangel: Metatron
Assignation: Thought
Daily Affirmation: "I can create from the power of my own thoughts."

Celestial Title: Angel of the Covenant
Archangel Metatron, also referred to as the 'Chancellor of Heaven', and in some angelology, circles is said to be more powerful than Gabriel or Michael. Metatron is assigned to the sustenance of mankind and holds the link between human and the divine. Consequently, he is able to infiltrate earthly intelligence very easily. He supervises our thoughts and deeds and assists us in recording them for future access. Metatron's objective is to keep your thoughts free of clutter so that you are ready and able to receive the truths that will allow you to become the best you can be. He will help you connect to your own truth and higher self if you ask.

Metatron reminds us that everything begins with a thought. This angel sparks our imagination and fuels our own powers of manifestation.

Associations & Assignments

Like any entity charged with duties and responsibilities, Archangels have certain associations of creation that are engraved in the very fibers of their etheric being. They are handed specifics to govern. It's these assignments that bring them into this dimension where they can participate with us.

Celestial Order: Seraphim
Day: Watches over those born on Thursday
Chakra: Throat (5th)
Color: Lapis Blue
Planetary assignment: Earth (the only angel believed to be married to the Earth by God)
Main Issue: Communication, Self-expression
Sense: Sound/hearing
Fragrances/Incense/Oils: Chamomile, Myrrh
Crystals: Lapis lazuli, Turquoise, Aquamarine
Life Lesson: Personal expression
Altar suggestions: Piece of turquoise and a blue bowl for floating white rose candles; small bell representing sound and resonance; a collection of poems in a handmade box with various blue inlaid; turquoise/lapis lazuli necklace; a small bottle white for holy water or musk oil and of course, a Prayer Chest.

Car Crash on Maple, Zanesville, Ohio - Friday at 6/6:15pm

Now, this is my own speaking on this subject because I was IN IT. It was terrifying and it knocked the breath out of me. My neck is mostly whats sore now. Yesterday it was my back and neck, and my hips a little bit. I went to the ER and they used their hands to check my body, no X-rays or MRI's, ANYTHING. 

Now, mind you- I have mild levoscoliosis and kyphosis.

All they said was that I had Whiplash; Whiplash is a neck injury due to forceful, rapid back-and-forth movement of the neck, like the cracking of a whip. Whiplash most often occurs during a rear-end auto accident, but the injury can also result from a sports accident, physical abuse or other trauma.

Common signs and symptoms of whiplash include neck pain, stiffness, and headaches. Most people with whiplash recover within a few months after a course of pain medication, exercise and other treatments. Some people experience chronic neck pain and other ongoing complications.

Whiplash may be called a neck sprain or strain, but these terms also include other types of neck injuries.

I was with my Mom, passenger side seat. Seatbelts on, luckily. It's good that we didn't have any bleeding or severe injury but I'm afraid for "Whiplash Can Cause Permanent Damage. ... Whiplash is a neck injury caused by a rapid movement of the head forward, backward, or side to side. This motion can cause brain injury, muscle spasms or tearing, ligament stretching and instability, and even fractures of the spine that can cause permanent disability", which typically does not show up until sometime after such things.

It is good to see how I react in emergencies. 

As such, I felt more logical. Thinking, instead of panicking. Had a moment where I blamed myself and started to panic because I don't go outside of the house often, mom just reassured me that it wasn't my fault. Had there been blood I probably would've been worse.

I guess we'll just have to see how this all goes.

I currently had already had an appointment for an x-ray of my neck, so that's good. I just gotta go in any day and they'll do that. I also have an appointment for my broken tooth removal, from there I may go for cleanings and such things, to try and keep what teeth I have left. I was a bad child, too busy with bullies, flirting, video games, roleplaying on the internet and anime on adult swim and cartoons on cartoon network. Never made a habit of brushing, paying for it now. 

I also have an appointment for an EMG, I've been told I'm not gonna like it by one person at work and my mom's boyfriend just kinda said it was whatever, not good though. Luckily no blood drawing. Don't have to have that done until my next visit with Mimi in Columbus.

Also, I'm sick. I wish my immune system worked better in the cold. I love fall/winter. Cool air. Camp fires. Halloween. Thanksgiving. Christmas. Though I'm not looking forward to all the misgendering this year. I'll be correcting people a million times. 

4 months on T (soon)

204 is my low currently. 25mg T. Four months. My arm, leg, stomach and (tmi) butt hairs are courser, some are darker. I have very small light colored hairs on my upper lip. HOWEVER. I have dark hairs growing on my neck and chin. Perhaps the T is working too quickly? My voice is crackly   and poppy still.

3 months on T

The changes have really amped up.

My voice has dropped some.

On March 4th of this year, my Average pitch was 207Hz.

July 14th my average pitch is 161Hz.

My clitoris has a small head on it and sticks out a little when I'm aroused.

My face is a lot greasier than previous, zits galore; which I hate.

The hairs on my arms and legs are coarser and darker. I have very light peach fuzz on the sides of my upper lips. My head hair has receded into a more masculine line. It also doesn't seem to be growing as fast as it used to. I can't tell if I'm growing any hair on my chin, I thought I felt some light hairs but maybe they've always been there?

Did I mention I get horny a lot? 

2 Months on T

I don't really know what to say? Like, I don't think much has changed AT ALL. I finally got snakebites, but they've migrated. There's not anymore pain, luckily, so I think they've finally settled. When corporate was at the store I was wearing glass studs but they didn't stay in very long, literally took them out when I got home cause they didn't have any flared ends. SAD FACE. Don't worry I have half-rings in right now so I haven't lost them entirely and hope to never do.

Also, i'm super tired of being sheltered at home while Mom and her boyfriend continue to just go wherever, like I was supposed to start going to places and doing applications again. I need a job that has like, a night shift, or afternoon shift like I'm working now. Also, like- wtf are friends anymore? At this point in my transition i'm afraid to friend guys cause i know they're looking at my shirt and I wanna punch them, and if I friend girls they- well, what even am i saying? I've never really "friended" girls its always been more or less like... either frienemies or more than friends.

My mom says my face looks more masculine, I can't really tell? ALSO FFS WHY UNI-BROW!? I'm getting a fucking uni-brow and I just- why!?! I'M UGLY ENOUGH I DON'T NEED A UNI-BROW LIKE RICK SANCHEZ.

*heavy breathing* Oh, apparently I have a obstruction in my throat- like, how? I guess technically it could be from my GERD(GORD), acid-reflex causing scar tissue in my esophageal tract. 

Hmmmm. My sex drive is a little higher than it used to be. But like I don't really get off for vaginal sex anymore, it's mostly anal now.

T-shot #2

I had my second shot today.

Apparently, my blood wanted to try to escape.

It dripped down my arm and onto my leg.

Mom made me elevate my arm.

Next time we need to make sure we have a cotton ball ready, that's for hella sure.

Got super queasy and anxious, almost passed out. Quickly self-medicated by turning the fan on, removing clothes, and drinking water; obviously after the band-aid had been put on. 

Yooka-Laylee is alright so far. It was definitely not what I was expecting. I was hoping for more old-school style than what I got. The character controls sort of wonky like he's always got someplace to be. I don't care for the current "boss", B is more like some dumb shit then a good old fashioned archnemesis, and Quackers is boring af. As far as this being a collectible game, it just doesn't feel like it. You don't keep the golden feathers or the Mollycools. They have to be used. So technically you're not collecting them, you're just getting them to give away.

I started T almost a week ago

I don't honestly know how I'm supposed to feel?

My brains acting kind of weird, to be honest.

The next day after the shot I woke up at 7 am with my heart beating out of my chest and anxiety running through me like electric. I vomited, and then I was back and forth from the bed and the bathtub for hours. Tossing, and turning and trying to sleep, and trying to settle myself down.

Awful. Just awful.

I hope my body doesn't react the same way.

I mean it may have been the mix between just starting menses, taking an antibiotic AGAIN and the new shot of T. Man that migraine/headache was terrible. It made me exhausted.

I need T

I don't just want it.

I need it.

Bodies need hormones, right?

Well, Estrogen is NOT my fucking friend.

I'm sick of it!

I'M SICK OF THESE THINGS ON MY CHEST!

I just want to be a regular guy.

And I'm sick of being fat.

I wanted to get a pass at Planet Fitness but Mom needs help with bills.

I barely make enough to cover my own ass and now she wants money.

And apparently I also don't do enough around the house!

I USED TO BE SO FAR UP SOMEONE ELSES ASS TO EVER DO ANYTHING.

I'm fucking trying. My own mouth is dying. I probably won't have any teeth left by the time i'm thirty fucking years old. 

Who wants someone whose fat and toothless?

Jfs wants a WHOLE LOTTA DOCUMENTS!

I can't do their shit online.

It doesn't help I haven't gotten my tax return money because my fucking last years stupid tax whatever wasn't kept and I need it and--

I just want a couple piercings and to get my name changed.

It's a start.

God, I hope I don't gain fat-weight on T.

I will scream if anymore of it goes to these stupid, unholy breasts.

Post-Op for Wisdom Teeth/Broken Tooth removal

So the bruising has gotten worse from yesterday. I still cannot chew, or else I might bite the side of my cheek.  Also, the headaches come and go right now. I'm hungry and starting to get sick of liquid/soupy shit but I'm just gonna have to fuckin' deal. 

I can't have seeds/rice/tiny nuts because apparently they'll get stuck in the holes and get healed over which can create problems.

I went to the allergist last week and they made me do a breathing test. Apparently, I have some sort of blockage so they gave me an inhaler... JUST WHAT I DON'T NEED. MORE MEDS. It helps, though. Sometimes I do have trouble breathing. Especially with all this swelling.

I return to work Monday but I'm hanging out with my girlfriend, Kitty this weekend which I'm going to TRY LIKE HELL to make fun. Hopefully, I can stop being socially awkward for awhile. 

My hair is a MESS. I can't shower at the moment because I'm doing a chem allergy test right now; it comes off tomorrow. I also go and have my mouth looked out tomorrow, before the allergist so they can check the healing. I haven't had A LOT of pain, but I can tell when the Ibuprofen is wearing off sometimes. Also, my right eye has had trouble seeing today because of the swelling pressure of my jaw/cheek. 

I was able to finally make another NOG SMITE Morning vid for my YouTube channel. I'd like to do the next part of FFXV but it's like, I'm still so busy with trying to get my insurance straightened out and dealing with my mouth, hunger issues, trying to get on T, etc. 

I'd like to start being able to calm down after being hyped up for so many months but like.. I'm still waiting for my application for insurance to do things. I mean... I have my next HRT meeting on April 6th. I understand my insurance may not be able to cover T but I still need insurance for my medications. I CANNOT be without them or else.. like, it'll be like when I tried to stop taking paroxetine on my own, I'll curl up into a scared, fucked up, mentally scarred little ball.

But seriously, a lot has happened; and there's still a lot more coming in the future.

I pray my healing continues to go well.

Thanks for taking the time to read this! <3

Oral Surgery

Tomorrow's the big day!

I'm getting my wisdom teeth and this damned broken tooth out.

I went to bed at like midnight last night.

The alarm went off for Sugar's(our dog) 1:30 am pill. I got up and gave that to her then went back to sleep.

I woke up today at like 7:12 am because of overheating and the pain reeling back up in thiS STUPID BROKEN TOOTH.

Currently waiting for the Naproxen and Ibuprofen to kick back in. I'm out of Tylenol. I might take a nap sometime today if the pain chills out.

I'm still kind of tired but I feel like I've been punched in the right side of my jaw.

Issues

Honestly?

I'm writing this after coming down from con-high mostly. I attended A&G, thinking it would be an escape but it only reminded me that I can't be completely happy, and I can't be my "self" right now. I won't be me until after surgery, until after money's been placed down for a name change, until after I've changed. 

Please tell me this is just stupid estrogen kicking my ass. I'm tired of being sensitive! THIS ISN'T ME. I'm not this way, and to top it all off I almost said something I KNOW I would've regretted. And why the hell did I tell Stef of all people about me wanting to bang a Rick Sanchez cosplayer? Geesh, am I stupid. I am sooooo happy that guys are terrible at reading people's flirts, honestly. It's almost 3 am, I have work tomorrow... I should take my night meds and go to sleep... cause the tears are just... NO. Its not me! Its the estrogen! ITS FALSE. ITS UNTRUE. I'M NOT IN LOVE WITH ANYONE ANYMORE. I HATE MY BOSS. AND I DON'T LIKE MY EX. IT'S ALL A HORMONAL LIE. 

Breathe.

Breathe.

Breathe.

Think of something else.

Think of someone who actually cares.

Think of her. Think of relaxing before your actual birthday. Think of cuddling up to her. She cares. ...now, she cares... she didn't use to... I mean who wants to care for a fat... bigger chested ftm..... 

STOP. THESE. THOUGHTS. THEY'RE WRONG. SOME PEOPLE CAN SEE THROUGH THE SKIN.

This is why I type. This is why I blog. Get the thoughts out. Get better. Safe Haven. Safe Space. No regrets. 

Maybe I should do a fanfic of a new OC and RS. Hmn. I need to finish the other two endings of my current fic, though.

Also, I would like to buy Z: BOTW with my next paycheck.

I will be highly upset with my mother if I don't get my taxes done on time because I'll be shorted 500$. I need that money for my piercings I want. ... always use the money to fill the hole inside me... so self-destructive.... reminds me of that resident evil song

Good song.

Used to use that song for my own enjoyment.

Bad thoughts.

Dirty thoughts.

Stress relief.

Have trouble getting off alone anymore.

So difficult.

Need release...

Not now. Should go to sleep now.

Still, have two Markiplier videos and not even watching Game Grumps right now cause of their newest playthrough.

Need to start calling Starbucks.

Need to find a new job.

Get away from these people.

Difficult. Have to find a job that allows trans.

More transgendered people getting killed.

Trump revoked bathroom bill....

Trump ruining everything.

Moron.

Think of something else!

Oral Surgery is on the 20th. Allergy doc on 24th. Hope my mouth is healed well enough by then.

One tooth is close to sinus area. The sideways tooth could potentially damage nerves. One tooth is impacted. One tooth is normal... one broken tooth... expensive operation. Hope there's enough money in moms flexible spending account or I'm screwed. Please god, let there be enough.

April 6th is when I go back to HRT in Columbus at SUPER EARLY 11 AM IN THE MORNING.

All of my hate for being up that early. Have to do that for the operation too.

I wish bronchitis would've been gone. Insurance may not cover sleepy stuff because of it.

.... have to go to JFS and ask about insurance. I don't work enough not to qualify right? Need to ask for a name change paper as well, figure out how costly that'll be.

Mom thinks 50/60 dollars for 6 months of T is cheap. I'm guessing that's the lowest dose. What if I need higher?

....sigh

#TheResiatance

I will not be quiet.

I will not stand by while America goes down in flames.

I would take a bullet to protect my fellow humans.

Equality is just.

Racism is not.

Feminism is just.

Feminazis are not.

Trans people are real.

They are valid.

You are valid.

We are valid.

Emotions, are always valid.

Love is just.

Hate is not.

True American's stand for what they believe in!

My brothers and sisters draw their swords with me.

To the Heavens we point.

God, where are you in our needed time?

Are you with our people?

Are you with us?

All Things Considering

There's a part of me...

That I absolutely hate to speak about.

The reason I hate to talk about it is because of how sinful in nature it is.

I mean. It's like I'm a Nephalem. 

Part angel, part demon.

My anger/rage/hatred/wrath/lust would be the demon.

My kindness/compassion/protection/empathy/love would be the angel.

It's a battle.

And it's on 24/7.

Sometimes it's so much easier to give into the darkness of the demon.

Due to the fact that a lot of my memory is attached to pain spikes, and I've passed out from the pain receptors in my brain being over stimulated I really prefer pleasure, anytime I can get it.

Probably a bad addiction to have, honestly but when your fighting with your body daily to weekly it can get unnerving to the point you go running for a relief.

Stress makes me panic and shaky.

Stress can be obliterated by a relief.

My relief is either laughter or pleasure.

I can't always have laughter, but I can treat myself right with pleasure.

If I don't have any of my relievers and my emotions become so painful that it can't go any further then I start to use my knife and make marks on my skin; that is not a good way to relieve my problems.

1st Vlog - America, What have we become?

PewDieDreams & Linear Survivor Dreams

Here's what I remember:

So I remember from the dream that I am like half cat/half wolf as well or something because like I didn't feel fully human and I could jump from any height and take no damage to my body. Keep this in mind.

So I got to meet Felix, Pewds aka Mr. Macho Subscriber man. It was some sort of con or just a meet up at a hotel or something. I think I snuck out from my room cause I was on the VIP floor and went to see Felix. His door was open so I went in. We chilled and flirted back and forth and then things got weird as he helicoptered his dick in front of me. He put it away once but later he did it again. It was fucking LONG. I grabbed it from him and took it into my mouth. Mostly the tip. I licked the sides, the head and did weird stuff to it with my tongue. Felix started to get off. As he got closer he started to mess with me. Now, because of my dysphoria, I'm not 100% on the hole he used but he just stuck it into me and came. I remember thinking I was gonna get preggers so it was probably the stupid vijay. 

Suddenly I and he hear a commotion coming from outside the room. My view pans to someone else's, and she's PISSED. Felix knows IMMEDIATELY who it is- and she just happens to know what he's done like she's connected to him in a way. He goes out to try and calm her, I'm not sure what happens then but she storms into the room and I jolt out the window. I pan down, my fear of heights isn't kicking in and I land hands first then feet. I do this throughout the city, leaping to new heights, sometimes I'd leap down and grip something with the top of my toes before letting myself hit the ground.

#2.

This one's shorter, as it contains a bit of an oddity to me.

So this guy wanted to take over the top of someplace and destroy dragons but like something happened and the world started to freeze, one good dragon became me and a couple other people's friend. We went to this underground bunker, the front door wouldn't close, it was frozen over. But other than that we all huddled in different areas. I was with a couple different people but we all seemed to get bored and people would split up and I and a few guys headed for some huge area, where a bunch of odd military vehicles was. 

We fidgetted with things but there were rough sexual overtones going on here. At one point I was throwing something at people and got caught, some bigger more military Esque dude who looked slightly similar to Gladious from FFXV but much more handsome. He took away what I had before I fell backward into the back of a truck of some sort before I grabbed the neck of his shirt and pulled him down with me. His bulge made contact with my crotch and I pulled him forward further, starting to make out with him before-- BAM

I wake up. :(

It's Done

It's over.

I have to force myself to eat now because I'm not really hungry.

I saved one relationship.

& destroyed another.

I think I'm sick too.

Somethings very wrong with my body.

I think I have some sort of infection.

I need to go to the doctor, soon.

Tomorrow's Going to be a Cold Night

It's gotten to the point where it's almost obsession and its driving me crazy.

I'm ending it tomorrow.

No more closing for me.

No more warm smiles, or sweet flirtations.

I'm Risking my own Happiness

You're driving me absolutely crazy, you know that?

I can't even think of Wesker from Resident Evil the same way anymore.

Your name comes first.

It comes to memory.

Everything about you is so hard to ignore.

You're the reason I'm a clutz at work.

You're the reason I'm happy at work.

You keep the whole job night on a good moral standing.

The whole place would catch on fire without you.

I just wish I could tell you how much it means to me.

How much you mean to me.

You're the entire reason I can't just do what I want.

I'm afraid I'll loose you!

I'm afraid you won't act the same way towards me!

From the moment we met you caught my eye!

It's almost been four years, and I was hoping the crush would fade.

I feel like I've mistaken your kindness as something more, but you lead me on and keep me following you.

I can't control it.

You make me feel so safe.

As soon as you're around I feel I can relax just a little more,

drop my guard a little, smile a little more.

But then it comes back to haunt me!

You know so much about me.

But I barely know you.

And when I go home.

I'm alone again.

And it hurts!!!

But I made a promise.

To myself, to you, and to my job.

That I'd never tell you, and you'll never fully know.

Because that's the only way I can keep my job.

Because that's the only way I won't interfere in your marriage.

Because I don't deserve anyone anymore.

Because I always fall for the wrong people.

So, I'll suffer in silence until the day that I can't hold it in anymore.

And on that day, I'll either quit my job or have already put in my two weeks.

And after that, you won't see me anymore, because I wouldn't be able to hide face anymore.




Because I'd do anything for love, though...
Even if there's just a sliver of hope that's kept alive.

Every time you ask if I miss you.
Every time that you're messing around and say you love me.
Every time we flirt nonchalantly.

I'm going to start trying to distance myself,
because it's going to hurt soon,
and I want to lessen the blow.