Issues

Honestly?

I'm writing this after coming down from con-high mostly. I attended A&G, thinking it would be an escape but it only reminded me that I can't be completely happy, and I can't be my "self" right now. I won't be me until after surgery, until after money's been placed down for a name change, until after I've changed. 

Please tell me this is just stupid estrogen kicking my ass. I'm tired of being sensitive! THIS ISN'T ME. I'm not this way, and to top it all off I almost said something I KNOW I would've regretted. And why the hell did I tell Stef of all people about me wanting to bang a Rick Sanchez cosplayer? Geesh, am I stupid. I am sooooo happy that guys are terrible at reading people's flirts, honestly. It's almost 3 am, I have work tomorrow... I should take my night meds and go to sleep... cause the tears are just... NO. Its not me! Its the estrogen! ITS FALSE. ITS UNTRUE. I'M NOT IN LOVE WITH ANYONE ANYMORE. I HATE MY BOSS. AND I DON'T LIKE MY EX. IT'S ALL A HORMONAL LIE. 

Breathe.

Breathe.

Breathe.

Think of something else.

Think of someone who actually cares.

Think of her. Think of relaxing before your actual birthday. Think of cuddling up to her. She cares. ...now, she cares... she didn't use to... I mean who wants to care for a fat... bigger chested ftm..... 

STOP. THESE. THOUGHTS. THEY'RE WRONG. SOME PEOPLE CAN SEE THROUGH THE SKIN.

This is why I type. This is why I blog. Get the thoughts out. Get better. Safe Haven. Safe Space. No regrets. 

Maybe I should do a fanfic of a new OC and RS. Hmn. I need to finish the other two endings of my current fic, though.

Also, I would like to buy Z: BOTW with my next paycheck.

I will be highly upset with my mother if I don't get my taxes done on time because I'll be shorted 500$. I need that money for my piercings I want. ... always use the money to fill the hole inside me... so self-destructive.... reminds me of that resident evil song

Good song.

Used to use that song for my own enjoyment.

Bad thoughts.

Dirty thoughts.

Stress relief.

Have trouble getting off alone anymore.

So difficult.

Need release...

Not now. Should go to sleep now.

Still, have two Markiplier videos and not even watching Game Grumps right now cause of their newest playthrough.

Need to start calling Starbucks.

Need to find a new job.

Get away from these people.

Difficult. Have to find a job that allows trans.

More transgendered people getting killed.

Trump revoked bathroom bill....

Trump ruining everything.

Moron.

Think of something else!

Oral Surgery is on the 20th. Allergy doc on 24th. Hope my mouth is healed well enough by then.

One tooth is close to sinus area. The sideways tooth could potentially damage nerves. One tooth is impacted. One tooth is normal... one broken tooth... expensive operation. Hope there's enough money in moms flexible spending account or I'm screwed. Please god, let there be enough.

April 6th is when I go back to HRT in Columbus at SUPER EARLY 11 AM IN THE MORNING.

All of my hate for being up that early. Have to do that for the operation too.

I wish bronchitis would've been gone. Insurance may not cover sleepy stuff because of it.

.... have to go to JFS and ask about insurance. I don't work enough not to qualify right? Need to ask for a name change paper as well, figure out how costly that'll be.

Mom thinks 50/60 dollars for 6 months of T is cheap. I'm guessing that's the lowest dose. What if I need higher?

....sigh