2021

 

SO. It's been quite many years and we're going into 2022 now. I've stopped T completely and I've been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and Conversion disorder. I am completely obsessed with Marvel and my husbands, Tony Stark, Stephen Strange, and my boyfriend's Loki, Logan and Clint. 

I'm 30 now. I've been through hell and back. Had a really shitty ass druggy bf who I'm still trying to shake and is stalking me like a MFer. I'm Genderfluid and have a counselor. I'm working on a whole bunch of everything. Apparently, I don't acknowledge parts of myself or accept them.

Sat, Oct 13

Time for an update I suppose. Its been forever since I've posted on here but I might as well, right? I've started Zoloft and am no longer on Paroxetine. The Zoloft feels like its holding my broken mind pretty well. I still get a shaky glimpse into my own fears every now and then though. 

It's been a long time since I posted... well, I feel like it's been a long time. So, first things first: My anxiety climbed to the point where I was losing weight/not eating. My depression was high as well. About two weeks ago I went and saw my Behavioral Health doctor and had some of my meds increased. The anxiety has lessened and my depression has gone down as well. I'm feeling a bit better. I've had an upper endoscopy for my GERD, a CT scan, and even a cystoscope for the frequent UTI. Everything came back clean, no cysts, no scars in the stomach, and no issues in my throat. I have to stay on my Omeprazole, Famotidine(Pepcid) and my 90-day antibiotic(Nitrofurantoin).

Besides these things that I've been dealing with, I'm still coping with my grandmother being gone. It still hurts, I miss her and I wish I would've made more memories with her. The clearest one and the one that stands out is the one where I and she had taco bell with enchirito's. It's happy at least. 

I'm also still coping with seeing her body in such a withered and fragile state. It was a bit traumatic. 

An update

Currently not much is going on tbh. I'm just doing this update because it's been over a month. I now have the new G.U. for ps4. Which I should honestly be playing or something. My friend Arron got mad earlier and rage party left. I hope it wasn't me who did it and I hope he's alright and didn't do anything reckless. We WERE up against a clan and his friend was kind of a douche. We should've just surrendered. I don't mind taking a full loss and dicking around but Arron seems to get too angry over these things.

What else? More friends on WOP. Also a prefect now... don't know how long that'll last. Shrugs. I've gotten mom and grandma some stuff for Christmas so far and I've put up my list. I doubt the family (besides mom and Jamie) will get me anything I really want. Mom got grandma to start taking the CBD oils so hopefully, she'll continue to take them and try to live her life for as long as possible. I understand what mom meant by quality over quantity. I'm trying to work as much as I can on my self-control. It's never been good when it comes to horniness or lust, but depending on how horrible my two weeks have been I try to cut down on money costs.

Wish is quite helpful for spending issues. I even bought myself a shirt on there this time.

RANT to let it all out

I'm tired mentally. 

I'm scared socially. 

I'm alone physically. 

I've just been under a lot of pressure and stress.

Car accident, doctors office visits, er visits, two teeth pulling in a month, my job being stressful af, I may still have feelings for my married boss, I may be having mixed feelings about my testosterone changes because I'm afraid people are gonna start acting differently to me, I worry, I overthink, I compensate by spending too much, I'm alone where I live (no friends), my mom's job change to Columbus fell through, I need a better job, my low BP number has been a little high lately, they couldn't get blood from me for my 3-month draw, we have to deal with a lawyer. 

Found out something neat

You were born on a Thursday and Metatron is the ArchAngel assigned to the day of your birth.

( Site if you want = https://www.angelhaven.com/aod/ )

Click here to view our complete line of products featuring Metatron 
Born: Thursday
Presiding Archangel: Metatron
Assignation: Thought
Daily Affirmation: "I can create from the power of my own thoughts."

Celestial Title: Angel of the Covenant
Archangel Metatron, also referred to as the 'Chancellor of Heaven', and in some angelology, circles is said to be more powerful than Gabriel or Michael. Metatron is assigned to the sustenance of mankind and holds the link between human and the divine. Consequently, he is able to infiltrate earthly intelligence very easily. He supervises our thoughts and deeds and assists us in recording them for future access. Metatron's objective is to keep your thoughts free of clutter so that you are ready and able to receive the truths that will allow you to become the best you can be. He will help you connect to your own truth and higher self if you ask.

Metatron reminds us that everything begins with a thought. This angel sparks our imagination and fuels our own powers of manifestation.

Associations & Assignments

Like any entity charged with duties and responsibilities, Archangels have certain associations of creation that are engraved in the very fibers of their etheric being. They are handed specifics to govern. It's these assignments that bring them into this dimension where they can participate with us.

Celestial Order: Seraphim
Day: Watches over those born on Thursday
Chakra: Throat (5th)
Color: Lapis Blue
Planetary assignment: Earth (the only angel believed to be married to the Earth by God)
Main Issue: Communication, Self-expression
Sense: Sound/hearing
Fragrances/Incense/Oils: Chamomile, Myrrh
Crystals: Lapis lazuli, Turquoise, Aquamarine
Life Lesson: Personal expression
Altar suggestions: Piece of turquoise and a blue bowl for floating white rose candles; small bell representing sound and resonance; a collection of poems in a handmade box with various blue inlaid; turquoise/lapis lazuli necklace; a small bottle white for holy water or musk oil and of course, a Prayer Chest.

Car Crash on Maple, Zanesville, Ohio - Friday at 6/6:15pm

Now, this is my own speaking on this subject because I was IN IT. It was terrifying and it knocked the breath out of me. My neck is mostly whats sore now. Yesterday it was my back and neck, and my hips a little bit. I went to the ER and they used their hands to check my body, no X-rays or MRI's, ANYTHING. 

Now, mind you- I have mild levoscoliosis and kyphosis.

All they said was that I had Whiplash; Whiplash is a neck injury due to forceful, rapid back-and-forth movement of the neck, like the cracking of a whip. Whiplash most often occurs during a rear-end auto accident, but the injury can also result from a sports accident, physical abuse or other trauma.

Common signs and symptoms of whiplash include neck pain, stiffness, and headaches. Most people with whiplash recover within a few months after a course of pain medication, exercise and other treatments. Some people experience chronic neck pain and other ongoing complications.

Whiplash may be called a neck sprain or strain, but these terms also include other types of neck injuries.

I was with my Mom, passenger side seat. Seatbelts on, luckily. It's good that we didn't have any bleeding or severe injury but I'm afraid for "Whiplash Can Cause Permanent Damage. ... Whiplash is a neck injury caused by a rapid movement of the head forward, backward, or side to side. This motion can cause brain injury, muscle spasms or tearing, ligament stretching and instability, and even fractures of the spine that can cause permanent disability", which typically does not show up until sometime after such things.

It is good to see how I react in emergencies. 

As such, I felt more logical. Thinking, instead of panicking. Had a moment where I blamed myself and started to panic because I don't go outside of the house often, mom just reassured me that it wasn't my fault. Had there been blood I probably would've been worse.

I guess we'll just have to see how this all goes.

I currently had already had an appointment for an x-ray of my neck, so that's good. I just gotta go in any day and they'll do that. I also have an appointment for my broken tooth removal, from there I may go for cleanings and such things, to try and keep what teeth I have left. I was a bad child, too busy with bullies, flirting, video games, roleplaying on the internet and anime on adult swim and cartoons on cartoon network. Never made a habit of brushing, paying for it now. 

I also have an appointment for an EMG, I've been told I'm not gonna like it by one person at work and my mom's boyfriend just kinda said it was whatever, not good though. Luckily no blood drawing. Don't have to have that done until my next visit with Mimi in Columbus.

Also, I'm sick. I wish my immune system worked better in the cold. I love fall/winter. Cool air. Camp fires. Halloween. Thanksgiving. Christmas. Though I'm not looking forward to all the misgendering this year. I'll be correcting people a million times. 

4 months on T (soon)

204 is my low currently. 25mg T. Four months. My arm, leg, stomach and (tmi) butt hairs are courser, some are darker. I have very small light colored hairs on my upper lip. HOWEVER. I have dark hairs growing on my neck and chin. Perhaps the T is working too quickly? My voice is crackly   and poppy still.

3 months on T

The changes have really amped up.

My voice has dropped some.

On March 4th of this year, my Average pitch was 207Hz.

July 14th my average pitch is 161Hz.

My clitoris has a small head on it and sticks out a little when I'm aroused.

My face is a lot greasier than previous, zits galore; which I hate.

The hairs on my arms and legs are coarser and darker. I have very light peach fuzz on the sides of my upper lips. My head hair has receded into a more masculine line. It also doesn't seem to be growing as fast as it used to. I can't tell if I'm growing any hair on my chin, I thought I felt some light hairs but maybe they've always been there?

Did I mention I get horny a lot? 

2 Months on T

I don't really know what to say? Like, I don't think much has changed AT ALL. I finally got snakebites, but they've migrated. There's not anymore pain, luckily, so I think they've finally settled. When corporate was at the store I was wearing glass studs but they didn't stay in very long, literally took them out when I got home cause they didn't have any flared ends. SAD FACE. Don't worry I have half-rings in right now so I haven't lost them entirely and hope to never do.

Also, i'm super tired of being sheltered at home while Mom and her boyfriend continue to just go wherever, like I was supposed to start going to places and doing applications again. I need a job that has like, a night shift, or afternoon shift like I'm working now. Also, like- wtf are friends anymore? At this point in my transition i'm afraid to friend guys cause i know they're looking at my shirt and I wanna punch them, and if I friend girls they- well, what even am i saying? I've never really "friended" girls its always been more or less like... either frienemies or more than friends.

My mom says my face looks more masculine, I can't really tell? ALSO FFS WHY UNI-BROW!? I'm getting a fucking uni-brow and I just- why!?! I'M UGLY ENOUGH I DON'T NEED A UNI-BROW LIKE RICK SANCHEZ.

*heavy breathing* Oh, apparently I have a obstruction in my throat- like, how? I guess technically it could be from my GERD(GORD), acid-reflex causing scar tissue in my esophageal tract. 

Hmmmm. My sex drive is a little higher than it used to be. But like I don't really get off for vaginal sex anymore, it's mostly anal now.