That... Hurt?

That's not supposed to hurt! There should be no jealousy! Remember! He's not yours!

; ♪ and I don't want it to end, but I know it will ♫

Tears,

Tears,

Go away,

don't come back,

another day.

I thought I was okay again; I'm doing better!!

:But then I started thinking:

I stressed-relieved myself, and then I felt ashamed.

But not because I did it,

no,

because of who I was thinking of.

I was thinking of 

him.

And I shouldn't think of him!

He's not mine!

He's not even on the market!

But he's so kind to me.

When I have trouble finding people who won't hurt me.

People tell me things and they lie; and it hurts.

I don't even know what i'm doing dating.

I don't know how to treat it.

It makes me kind of sick.

and I started thinking further;

what am I?

who am I?

I don't feel my age, I don't look my age.

What's gonna happen when Markiplier and JackSepticEye no longer record youtube videos?

Am I ever gonna see them again?

I have a burrito sitting beside me getting cold and i'm debating whether to eat it or just let it go to waste.

I'm still disgusted with myself. 

This stomach is ugly, these arms are ugly... my fat fucking face is ugly.

I act confident on the outside because i'm trying to attract someone..

But I just want someone who'll cook for me, someone who loves cats and dogs, someone who wants to live California so we could possibly meet the Grumps and maybe even Mark in a non-stalker way, vacay in Japan and see the sites and buy me a kimono and eat rice balls and sushi with me, someone whose on the same level, someone who understands me but doesn't say it outloud all the time, someone whose into the things I want to do and will totally back me but also have a job and can help me achieve my goals aswell as their own.

I only know one good thing about me; and most people don't notice them.

My Eyes. 

I think maybe...

I should wait for someone who looks into my eyes...

and sees not just them, but my soul,

and who I can be some day.

;It makes it hard to wake up

Nuzzling with Sean (JackSepticEye), and then HE kisses my nose in the dream after we're pushed closer and I stare at him, and he stares back. Stupid alarm clock! Stupid real life! My life is so much better in my dreams... :(

And here i find myself

Another day gone by, no progress achieved. I feel sick, not physically- emotionally and mentally.

I'm 25- and I'm a mess. I'm 25, and I'm in love. I'm in love with someone I will never know because of restrictions that apply to me. People want sex with this man, and I find it disgusting because we're better than that.

When he gets a gf, I'll be lost again. I'll loose interest because I respect those rules. And I both look forward to, and don't want to see that day.

As a teenager, I had crushes on fictional characters. Now today, I long for someone with a soul, a passion for gaming, someone who can be lover and friend, someone about my height or a little taller, black hair or blonde hair, deep chocolate eyes, or bright blue eyes. Someone whose a lot smarter than they think.

I could name them aloud, but I won't for its a fangirls sin to fall in love them. Its heart crushing. Mind twisting to know. That no matter what you'd give; you could never know them. For the moment you became their "fan," was the moment you opened your mouth and spoke the unspoken words, "I am you're fan. You show me what you want. You believe that we will now characterize you by thinking you're perfect." No. No One's perfect. Not you, not I.

But it wouldn't matter, you're out of my league. And that's not because I believe you're perfect, but because I believe you deserve all the happiness in the world.

It has been 0 days since you last made me laugh and smile.

It has been 0 days since you've been on my mind, and your names escaped my lips.

;Not a good day

I'm tired of ripping people apart.

It's so difficult for my mother to have relationships because of me.

I wish I wasn't scared of standing on my own two feet; but I am.

I wish I wasn't scared of leaving home; but I am.

I wish I wasn't afraid to be away at college; but I am.

I'm scared.

I'm scared of moving, i'm afraid of change. 

But, I know I need it.

It's time for a major change.

I need to go away to college, perhaps find a psychologist there.

At the age of 26 i'll loose my insurance.

These are things I don't get a choice on.

I don't have control over these areas of my life.

But I need to find my rhythm in life.

Go for what I'm good at, not for anything i'm not.

If writing and such/book writing isn't all I believe it is then i'll have to change colleges on my own; take on a massive debt.

But we all die with debt don't we?

And I don't want any regrets.

I already have some; and I can't go back on them.

I have to walk what i've made.

Size 20, and mens shirts rock

Down to a size 20 in pants. :)

And I'm really interested in wearing more masculine clothing <3 They have a pretty good selection at Gabe's!

I'm no longer accepting.....

I'm done with assholes, I'm to the point where sex is stupid. What happened to romance? Dining? Being normal humans. These things set us correct, we need these principles.

I'm alright

;;At least for now. I get the feeling, my Psychologist doesn't like me, or feel as if I need the Help. I should probably take a breath and allow my tongue and mind Free range. I don't want to be Judge, but if I want Help I have no other choice.

Updating from my phone - Light annoyance

So, the guy I lightly had a crush on at work is a no go. He's a complete asshole. I asked for help and instead of just asking he gives me an only if I let him do something. He was supposed to leave in fifteen minutes but instead he stayed until like 15 after helping someone else cause I told him he didn't need the radio for fifteen minutes. I was using it! It was playing my music FOR ONCE. Nobody shows me any respect except Wes, and even that isn't very often. I'm not a physical person when it comes to work, I wish I had a job in Cosplay, anime convention staff, adult fiction writer, just something where I could use my skills or open mindedness!

I don't like him

I don't like him anymore.

I don't like him when he's breathing.

I don't like him when he's fawning over his stupid illegal drug.

I don't like him when he's speaking.

I don't like him when he's sleeping.

I don't like him when he's being.

He's a pompous asshole who thinks he's gods gift.

He thinks just because he gets money (without working, may I add) he is entitled to tell me what to do.

I don't fucking think so.

You're not my dad.

You'll never be my dad.

I don't care how old you are!

You never respected me!

SO, why should I even try to respect you!?!

All he does is sit there in the kitchen, acting like King of MJ, playing his games on his phone, watching tv too loudly and hounding people who fucking come through.

HE ALSO PROPOSED RULES ON DISHES.

What am I supposed to do; not eat!?!

SCREW YOU!

I won't play by your rules!

I'm buying plastic and paper; so you can fuck off.

Good ideas and bad ideas

Bad idea: Thinking an 18 year old could act as mature as me.

Good idea: Ending a struggling relationship.

Good idea: Talking to a psychologist.

Bad idea: Downing an entire mountain dew live-wire while i'm sleepy.

Good idea: Fix my sleep.

Bad idea: Depending on anyone at work, except for Wes.

Good idea: Making friends.

Bad idea: Making friends with people who REALLY wanna be in a relationship.

Anyways. At-least I don't have the stress of continuing to push a relationship passed its expiration date, not that its going to do me any good. I know what happens when i'm single. My obsessions strengthen. My sense of reality weakens. But it's okay. I'll always have my dreams, where anything can happen and I can't be controlled by society, I don't feel the sting of anxiety or depression, or being rejected, or feeling something for people who are taken. 

I wish things would've happened differently. But its better to burn rotting bridges then to try and mend them. 

;; and i'll be just like fire.