What is life even-?

My boss apologized the day after. He said he knew I wasn't going to talk to him the day after our fight. I'm glad he's someone who listens. I just need to give him his space on his bad days. Fuckin' asshole is back to living with us again. I don't want him here! I don't like him. All he does is make day to day life harder than it needs to be. He's a douchebag! UGH! I just want to have a safe place. And friggen home isn't it AGAIN. Those two weeks; as hard as they were, were much better then dealing with his dumb ass!!

Ffffffffff

Fine, fuck you! And fuck my feelings for you! And fuck me for liking you, and listening to you talk! And fuck life, and me trying to help you! You coulda just been like, "but you're good at it." But instead you're just like no, whatever and I fucking heard the anger in your voice and the stress, and just. I don't want to hurt anyone else! I don't want to piss off, or hurt or anger, or annoy anyone! ... But I know I can't live my life trying to make others happy. It took me so much time to warm up to you all, and then all you do is take me down pegs or two and expect me to be up on my game. UGH! WHY do I like you!?!

TW: Cause Under The Thermostat I'm Not Good

So... I got really bad yesterday into my depression and I did something I didn't mean to, and I broke skin and bled this time. Not a lot mind you, but very little. However, I know that I've been under a lot of pressure and just feeling stressed out in general. I'm going to try and find a support group and see if my Psychologist knows of any on Wednesday. I'm just extremely lost, and feeling lonely. ALSO. IF YOU CANT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST, YOU DON'T Deserve ME AT MY BEST, Better Run Your Ass Now. I'm guessing you thought it was going to be easy, didn't you? Its not. Do your research on depression, mix it with anxiety.

Haven't updated in awhile....

So here's the thing, i've been busy. Been busy trying to relax, been busy trying to get situated into this new house. I haven't worked the passed two days which is just a wallet killer so i'm gonna try to get my boss to give me close tonight, but he may already have other people (which sucks). Well, technically I wasn't even scheduled for yesterday. I was scheduled for Monday but labors been shiet apparently.

Yesterdays dream was really fucked up, and I still remember it. It had two of my friends in it. Brand and Rob. It was totally fucked up. Rob had donated his penis to Brand, and apparently had gotten a vagina or something- I dunno. But Brand had both and a bare chest and we uh *coughfuckedcough* then Rob got all upset about Brand using the dick he'd given on me. 

I have weird dreams, its nothing new.

Have I ever mentioned I hate the skip limit on Pandora? I mean like, who has time for old music? Seriously. If I've heard it almost a hundred times- I wanna be done with it.

I'm really tired of all my potential suitors either wanting to bone, or are totally overweight. And unless they have something like exercising, fitness or gym on their profile its just not worth my time. I want to get healthy! I NEED to get healthy! I need someone who is motivated like that. A partner in crime, someone who is also a friend besides just romantic interest. And for those of you who are totally only on DATING SITES looking for sex, GO BACK TO TINDER!

Work without the bossman

Makes it boring work. I had been contemplating not coming in at all since he didn't even put my name down on the schedule but shrugs I do need the money.

Aches and pains

I feel like something in my right inner thigh has been damaged. There's like a roll of muscle with a vein in it and it just aches. And my right arm has been giving me pulsating pain all the way from my wrist to back.

Great day!

Its been a really great day so far! I just can't wait to actually be in the new house after we go to the laundry mat tomorrow!! Super excited! And a huge thank you to my crush, and boss! 💋 for lending us his truck to move with! 💕👌💯

That... Hurt?

That's not supposed to hurt! There should be no jealousy! Remember! He's not yours!

; ♪ and I don't want it to end, but I know it will ♫

Tears,

Tears,

Go away,

don't come back,

another day.

I thought I was okay again; I'm doing better!!

:But then I started thinking:

I stressed-relieved myself, and then I felt ashamed.

But not because I did it,

no,

because of who I was thinking of.

I was thinking of 

him.

And I shouldn't think of him!

He's not mine!

He's not even on the market!

But he's so kind to me.

When I have trouble finding people who won't hurt me.

People tell me things and they lie; and it hurts.

I don't even know what i'm doing dating.

I don't know how to treat it.

It makes me kind of sick.

and I started thinking further;

what am I?

who am I?

I don't feel my age, I don't look my age.

What's gonna happen when Markiplier and JackSepticEye no longer record youtube videos?

Am I ever gonna see them again?

I have a burrito sitting beside me getting cold and i'm debating whether to eat it or just let it go to waste.

I'm still disgusted with myself. 

This stomach is ugly, these arms are ugly... my fat fucking face is ugly.

I act confident on the outside because i'm trying to attract someone..

But I just want someone who'll cook for me, someone who loves cats and dogs, someone who wants to live California so we could possibly meet the Grumps and maybe even Mark in a non-stalker way, vacay in Japan and see the sites and buy me a kimono and eat rice balls and sushi with me, someone whose on the same level, someone who understands me but doesn't say it outloud all the time, someone whose into the things I want to do and will totally back me but also have a job and can help me achieve my goals aswell as their own.

I only know one good thing about me; and most people don't notice them.

My Eyes. 

I think maybe...

I should wait for someone who looks into my eyes...

and sees not just them, but my soul,

and who I can be some day.

;It makes it hard to wake up

Nuzzling with Sean (JackSepticEye), and then HE kisses my nose in the dream after we're pushed closer and I stare at him, and he stares back. Stupid alarm clock! Stupid real life! My life is so much better in my dreams... :(