Games, YouTubes and Real Life: March 2016

Sunday, March 13, 2016

Crying, alone, again

When I get upset....

I feel like I have to eat....

When people do things to my mind, that hurts me...

It does this...

Now i'm looking at a full box of samoas, a large cup of milk and a bed full of clothes at almost 2am-- SOON TO BE 3AM and wishing that I didn't exist.

I look at my stomach, it bulges.

I look at my breasts, my mind fights back and forth- and it hurts, they're there, what I wish I had doesn't exist on me and I just... everything screams at me like its wrong.

And then I remember why I don't change.

Noone sees me the way I do.

Noone has this mental image of how I want to be.

And then I remember another reason why I don't change.

I just want /him/ to love me.

And it hurts even more.

Because i'm hurting someone else whose close to my heart.

Whose shown me mostly nothing but kindness.

And then I realize.

I'm alone, with myself who has to deal with all of this.

I have to decide if I'll eat the cookies, and drink the milk.

I have to decide if I'll take the pain killer and muscle relaxant that helps me sleep.

Because i'm alone.

And noone cares what hurts me.

If you can't use he for me, use they/them/their, please. [NSFW!]

Because when you don't... I feel like ripping myself apart.

These things on my chest, they do damage to my body,

and I don't feel like they belong to me in any way shape or form,

I won't use them for what they were made for,

same with the genitals of the lower area.

This is not who I am.

Saturday, March 12, 2016

I want to roleplay more

I NEED TO ROLEPLAY MORE!!!

There are like, so many things I wanna roleplay.

A new thing I wanna roleplay is this,

Wednesday, March 9, 2016

Another night, another repetitive dream

Yep. Another Markimoo dream..

It was weird, I remember some of it, but eh.

Shrugs.

Doesn't matter right now.

I don't feel well.

My body is shaky and I'm too friggen hot, so I have the fan running on me.

Forcing myself to play minecraft cause I just feel like shit.

Would love to lay here and do nothing but I can't do something like that.

Wonder if I hurt myself earlier trying to bind my breasts without a proper binder.

It'd be easier if they were just removable.

Stupid fucking.. things...

Do I have the Audacity?

Well, actually I do.

I think i'm going to mess around creatively with this application.

Saturday, March 5, 2016

Coincidence?

So I was previously listening to Resistance by Muse and then suddenly this starts playing.

What should I think?

Owl Writing

This normally works for me, but tonight I feel so broken.

I'm so upset with myself.

I knew how this year was going to be.

I need to be able to write again.

And I remember that fortune that told me, "You have to go to him, he won't come to you."

I need to be able to type the words I feel.

But I just want so much for that to be untrue.

I want them to mean something.

What if I risk it all just to meet him?

I'm sick of hurting inside.

Put all my money into one thing.

But my words lay on flat ears.

Go big, or go home.

I want to.

What else do I have to live for?

I just...

I need that imbalance, that middle that grey goddamn middle ground to go away!

I'm sick of it.

I either want to be nothing, or something.

I can't afford the help I need.

And I can't even destroy myself in my room anymore, alone...

I misplaced my favorite object now.

Its probably in one of the boxes in my room.

I may end up needing it again, unfortunately.

I don't know how long I can last being here by myself.

But I can't find anyone else who matches personality with me.

Don't get me wrong, I love ______.

But he lives too far away.

I need to be held, I need to be told that I look good, that i'm smart or.. something.

I need to be able to sleep in someones arms again.

For seven years I was there.

I can say I miss that.

Never waking up alone.

I'm sick of it!

Friday, March 4, 2016

Two (Markiplier) Fanfics up on WattPad and Archive of Our Own now!

Forced Nature -
Forced Nature
Elevator to Heaven -
Elevator to Heaven

Thursday, March 3, 2016

SO I get outta bed take a shower, do the usual and then go out and procede to ask roommate #1 why they always get off the game system their playing when I come out. Yes, I want them out of my friggen seat because EVERY DAMN TIME THEY'RE IN IT WHEN I COME OUT THERE.

My right leg has been bothering me, get outta my seat- DON'T MAKE ME WRITE MY NAME ON IT D:

Uhm. Oh. I'm am discouraged and unhappy with the current guest standing for A&G. As much as I love backing them and such- you cannot say some sort of event or just panelist is a guest. I don't know ANY of the people, and barely knew the first guest- AND the only reason we got HIM is because he asked.

If you're gonna agree to go into debt and get us VIP's who have bought the 200dollar badge for three years in a row, i'd like you to ask and take into note who they want to see. I know it doesn't sound fair for the other people who buy badges but we do put a whole-some chunk of our paychecks into your hands. I go because I enjoy it, it makes me happy as a vacation but when theirs really noone to meet-n-greet then... whats the point of the VIP badge to begin with?

I'm GLAD that Peter is a voice actor of Xemnas of Kingdom Hearts and Konakawa of Paprika!

Without him being there I would've been sad to have bought a ticket.

I'm not being mean but... yeah...

ANYWAYS.

Further into this weird day.

After getting groceries, we returned home and as we sat there, and gathered up groceries there was a man.

He was standing just behind the large church, in their parking area.

He was a raving lunatic.

No joke.

And its funny but the first thing that came to mind was, "Oh no its the zombie apocalypse."

I know, right, funny huh?

But seriously, he was like waving his arms around and saying a bunch of weird things and throwing in a few curses and just loosing his mind!

I don't feel safe seeing these sort of things.

And its sad because I immediately started searching for my pocket knife as a defense mechanism.

Anyways, all of you please stay safe, where ever you are!

Wednesday, March 2, 2016

6AM (5/5 favorite Random Encounters Videos!)

You Win!

UNDER WHAT!?! (4/5 favorite Random Encounters Videos!)

UNDERTALE!

It's ME! (3/5 favorite Random Encounters Videos!)

GET OUTTA HERE FAZBEAR!

I'm going to college! (2/5 favorite Random Encounters Videos!)

SIKE!

Aren't you a little early? (1/5 favorite Random Encounters Videos!)

YES!

Tuesday, March 1, 2016

It's just SMART, people! Please vote!

I'd like to thank all of the youth who could've voted but did not in each of the states where the bullshit won. Would I like a female president? Yes. Hillary? No. Is Trump a better choice? No. Who would I like to vote for? BERNIE SANDERS. I DON'T WANT TRUMP OR HILLARY. For fuck sakes. PEOPLE. PLEASE VOTE.

THIS IS NOT OKAY!

Bernie Sanders in recent Democratic polls

	CNN / ORC Int. (Feb 27)	NBC / Survey Monkey (Feb 21)	Fox News (Feb 17)	Reuters / Ipsos (Feb 17)	Morning Consult (Feb 16)	Suffolk U. / USA Today (Feb 15)	Quinnipiac University (Feb 15)	NBC / Survey Monkey (Feb 14)	Morning Consult (Feb 11)	Reuters / Ipsos (Feb 10)	Morning Consult (Feb 07)	Rasmussen Reports (Feb 04)	Quinnipiac University (Feb 04)	Public Policy Polling (Feb 03)	Morning Consult (Feb 03)	15-day average
Clinton	55%	51%	44%	53%	47%	50%	44%	50%	46%	55%	50%	50%	44%	53%	51%	50.75%
Sanders	38%	40%	47%	42%	39%	40%	42%	40%	39%	43%	37%	32%	42%	32%	35%	41.75%

Quick update before work (a memo)

Uttermost disappointment in life.

The bane of my existence.

Earthy mothers naturalism.

Righteous for babies gift.

Unstable with an unreliable pain.

Stupid and uncaring for hosts mortal brain.

I miss the sound of your heart beating (revamp) [18+]

You are my courage, my sword and shield

Heart under pressure, my wall of stone

I am a brick, only weight here

You are my angel, I chain to the ground

I love the way you laugh dear, I loved how you charm me

Can't stop this feeling, can't stop this hoping

I'm missing the sound of your lips talking

Baby i'm in love with you

I'm missing the sound of your lips talking

Baby you aren't mine to lose

I'm missing the sound of your lips talking

You showed me heaven, you hurt like hell

I play with secrets, I love like you

Asleep, awake

I can't escape you, can't set you free

I love your full moon rising, whispering like you in mornings

Can't stop this feeling, can't stop this hoping

I'm missing the sound of your lips talking

Baby i'm in love with you

I'm missing the sound of your lips talking

Baby you aren't mine to lose

I'm missing the sound of your lips talking

Missing you, missing you

I'm missing the sound of your lips talking

Missing you, missing you

Baby I'm cumming, baby I'm cumming

Tell me now, baby I'll cum with you

Baby I'm cumming, baby I'm cumming

Say the words, baby I'll cum with you

Baby I'm in love with you

I'm missing the sound of your lips talking

Baby you weren't mine to lose

I'm missing the sound of your lips talking

I'm missing the sound, I'm missing the sound of your lips talking, talking

I'm missing the sound of your lips talking

Missing you missing you

I'm missing the sound of your lips talking

Missing you missing you

I'm missing the sound of your lips talking

Talking, talking, I'm missing the sound of your lips talking

It's late

It's late... and I've barely done anything today.

I've been in alot of pain, and am on 600mg of Ibuprofen right now.

My body is currently weak, and my body dysphoria is high right now.

As a genderfluid being, who perceives hirself however as mostly male one thing really affects me and its something I do not wish to talk about.

I wish I could literally rid my body of this part.

But that would be seen as mutilation.

Anyways, I was both glad and yet unsatisfied with someone's message today. The beginning of it gave me just enough confidence boost to rid myself of the depression that I had previously been headed for.

Here's the chat (names removed for privacy sake):

Let's not dance around this... Just marry me already!

GIF Keyboard

Lol

You don't even know me

The power of the warfstach compels me! 

Warfstache but sure lol

I don't even know what you look like!

Oh xcus m I forgot th 

I don't even know if your nonmonogamous.

Hold on you'll love this! 

Nonmonogamous? 

I'm polyamorous

Oh cool so am I colonthree emoticon

Ohhj

And uh, what do you look like?

Hold on! 

Ok

It was cold don't judge meh! 

You live in Missouri?

I know I'm ridiculous! 

I'm in Mississippi lol

Oh

Haha yeah it sucks here lol

My current bf is in Missouri

XD

Where are you? 

I'm in Ohio

It sucks here too

Well we seem to have created a triangle haven't we? 

Well more like an L I have no direct connection to him! 

Haha yeah

I wouldn't mind having a erect connection to you wink emoticon

I meant direct 

Pfft

Calm down

Don't treat me like a toy

No fuckboys allowed zone here

Hahaha I'm just joking lol I'm actually more interested in the gaming! 

Yes well

Its gaming.

I can't honestly say much more

I'm a weirdo

And Markimoo too cx

Markimoo is mine and I don't share! 

Excuse me.

Mark is whoever becomes his.

You heard me! 

He doesn't belong to--

Stfu.

I don't play around this way.

I'll seduce him with games! 

.....

That's rude.

Mark is NOT a piece of meat.

Hahaha girl I'm just playing calm yoself! 

...
 I cannot.

I hate fangirls who do that.

Fight me IRL! I'll reak ya I sweat on me mum! 

Sword between your eyes.

Touche Stanley! 

I also have a rainbow shuriken and knife.

Pics or GTFO! 

Not at home yet

Just finished work

Well I'll wait colonthree emoticon

GIF Keyboard

This was so you! 

We'll see. I was on the verge of breaking down when you sent me that msg.

You're car? O.O

Uhm

My mental state

Oh well that I understand lol

GIF Keyboard

I'm having bad dysphoria

And a lot of stressful bs is going on

Hold on lemme Google that

Dysphoria of gender btw

Well no wonder you're in a bad mood I'm sorry :c

You look like a girl lol

I don't give a fuck /what/ I look like

My mind is 75%male

My mind is 75% tacos

-eye roll-

Health before food, and if I had the money I'd go all the way with it too

The other 25% is dirty jokes lol

Masculine mind

How old are you?

I'm 29 chronologically lol

.....

92 biologically! 

...

11 maturi... Well you get it! 

Now I'm going to ignore you. Jokes are fine and all but I prefer friends who can be serious.

Ignoring is rude and in can be serious but if you're gonna be rude I'm gonna cry frown emoticon

You know what I don't like you

I'm not really quite sure what to say about that... due to the bad rep that fangirls give the Markiplier Fandom I get tired of hearing about it, he caught me at a bad moment and yeah, ignoring someones rude. I don't really know how to explain myself. Not being right in the head, or just feeling not good in general is not a good time to get me on my soap box. If the guy was kidding, yeah I apologize, but if not...

Noone is a piece of meat.

No lady, man or such should be looked at as such.

Next thing.

A few days ago I posted this on facebook:

I wish con went on forever, or I wish there was an entire city or town that revolved around cosplay, Japanese affectionato, and all the really awesomeness that brings otakus and nerds together.

I wish I had the smarts to make this place.

Of something incredible!

Other Places You Can Find Me

Sunday, March 13, 2016

Saturday, March 12, 2016

Wednesday, March 9, 2016

Saturday, March 5, 2016

Friday, March 4, 2016

Thursday, March 3, 2016

Wednesday, March 2, 2016

YES!

Tuesday, March 1, 2016

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