Crying, alone, again

 When I get upset....

I feel like I have to eat....

When people do things to my mind, that hurts me...

It does this...

Now i'm looking at a full box of samoas, a large cup of milk and a bed full of clothes at almost 2am-- SOON TO BE 3AM and wishing that I didn't exist.

I look at my stomach, it bulges.

I look at my breasts, my mind fights back and forth- and it hurts, they're there, what I wish I had doesn't exist on me and I just... everything screams at me like its wrong.

And then I remember why I don't change.

Noone sees me the way I do.

Noone has this mental image of how I want to be.

And then I remember another reason why I don't change.

I just want /him/ to love me.

And it hurts even more.

Because i'm hurting someone else whose close to my heart.

Whose shown me mostly nothing but kindness.

And then I realize.

I'm alone, with myself who has to deal with all of this.

I have to decide if I'll eat the cookies, and drink the milk.

I have to decide if I'll take the pain killer and muscle relaxant that helps me sleep.

Because i'm alone.

And noone cares what hurts me.

If you can't use he for me, use they/them/their, please. [NSFW!]

Because when you don't... I feel like ripping myself apart.

These things on my chest, they do damage to my body, 

and I don't feel like they belong to me in any way shape or form, 

I won't use them for what they were made for, 

same with the genitals of the lower area. 

This is not who I am.

I want to roleplay more

I NEED TO ROLEPLAY MORE!!!

There are like, so many things I wanna roleplay.

A new thing I wanna roleplay is this,

Another night, another repetitive dream

Yep. Another Markimoo dream..

It was weird, I remember some of it, but eh.

Shrugs.

Doesn't matter right now.

I don't feel well.

My body is shaky and I'm too friggen hot, so I have the fan running on me.

Forcing myself to play minecraft cause I just feel like shit.

Would love to lay here and do nothing but I can't do something like that.

Wonder if I hurt myself earlier trying to bind my breasts without a proper binder.

It'd be easier if they were just removable.

Stupid fucking.. things...

Do I have the Audacity?

Well, actually I do.

I think i'm going to mess around creatively with this application. 

Coincidence?

So I was previously listening to Resistance by Muse and then suddenly this starts playing.

What should I think?

Owl Writing

This normally works for me, but tonight I feel so broken.

I'm so upset with myself.

I knew how this year was going to be.

I need to be able to write again.

And I remember that fortune that told me, "You have to go to him, he won't come to you."

I need to be able to type the words I feel.

But I just want so much for that to be untrue.

I want them to mean something.

What if I risk it all just to meet him?

I'm sick of hurting inside.

Put all my money into one thing.

But my words lay on flat ears.

Go big, or go home.

I want to.

What else do I have to live for?

I just...

I need that imbalance, that middle that grey goddamn middle ground to go away!

I'm sick of it.

I either want to be nothing, or something.

I can't afford the help I need.

And I can't even destroy myself in my room anymore, alone...

I misplaced my favorite object now.

Its probably in one of the boxes in my room.

I may end up needing it again, unfortunately.

I don't know how long I can last being here by myself.

But I can't find anyone else who matches personality with me.

Don't get me wrong, I love ______.

But he lives too far away.

I need to be held, I need to be told that I look good, that i'm smart or.. something.

I need to be able to sleep in someones arms again.

For seven years I was there.

I can say I miss that.

Never waking up alone.

I'm sick of it!

Two (Markiplier) Fanfics up on WattPad and Archive of Our Own now!

Forced Nature -
Forced Nature
Elevator to Heaven -
Elevator to Heaven

Fuckin' weird day.

Today is the most odd day EVER.

SO I get outta bed take a shower, do the usual and then go out and procede to ask roommate #1 why they always get off the game system their playing when I come out. Yes, I want them out of my friggen seat because EVERY DAMN TIME THEY'RE IN IT WHEN I COME OUT THERE.

My right leg has been bothering me, get outta my seat- DON'T MAKE ME WRITE MY NAME ON IT D:

Uhm. Oh. I'm am discouraged and unhappy with the current guest standing for A&G. As much as I love backing them and such- you cannot say some sort of event or just panelist is a guest. I don't know ANY of the people, and barely knew the first guest- AND the only reason we got HIM is because he asked. 

If you're gonna agree to go into debt and get us VIP's who have bought the 200dollar badge for three years in a row, i'd like you to ask and take into note who they want to see. I know it doesn't sound fair for the other people who buy badges but we do put a whole-some chunk of our paychecks into your hands. I go because I enjoy it, it makes me happy as a vacation but when theirs really noone to meet-n-greet then... whats the point of the VIP badge to begin with?

I'm GLAD that Peter is a voice actor of Xemnas of Kingdom Hearts and Konakawa of Paprika!

Without him being there I would've been sad to have bought a ticket.

I'm not being mean but... yeah...

ANYWAYS.

Further into this weird day.

After getting groceries, we returned home and as we sat there, and gathered up groceries there was a man.

He was standing just behind the large church, in their parking area.

He was a raving lunatic.

No joke.

And its funny but the first thing that came to mind was, "Oh no its the zombie apocalypse."

I know, right, funny huh?

But seriously, he was like waving his arms around and saying a bunch of weird things and throwing in a few curses and just loosing his mind!

I don't feel safe seeing these sort of things.

And its sad because I immediately started searching for my pocket knife as a defense mechanism.

Anyways, all of you please stay safe, where ever you are!

6AM (5/5 favorite Random Encounters Videos!)

You Win!