I'd do anything for love

Even deny myself happiness.

I have never had a nightmare like that before.

Actually, I wouldn't call it a nightmare, more like a dream that turned dark.

And;; I haven't had Mark invade my dreams in a long while.

I thought I was over him.

I thought my feelings had stopped.

It's just like with my boss.

I can't choose who to stop having feelings for apparently.

I'm crying as I write this because I felt my heart just get ripped in two when I was taken away from the hotel room where I was cleaning all of my stuff up, I not only left some of my personal items behind but Mark as well. 

During the course of my dream, me and him got to know each other, even while he had a girlfriend.

The first time I met him we just talked like friends/fan-to-fan over.

The second time he let me get closer, even while he had a gf.

Now, in this dream, I couldn't really tell if I was male or female.

The third time he let me hang out with him, he was playing a game and asked if I wanted to sit on his lap and yeah obviously, it wasn't sexual, he was playing a game and wanted me to play too and I just leaned my head on his shoulder, and.. then..

I had to leave for a bit to clean out the rest of my hotel room because of time restraints but then I pack some of the stuff and put some food that needed to be made into the kitchen's oven then suddenly mom pulls up, I put some of my stuff in her car then she like.. I dunno, pushes me against something and forces me to leave without everything or even saying goodbye to mark..

I just...

why?

I haven't been having good dreams lately.

They're hurting me. 

;;Nightmares

They are not a good thing, at all!

They make me very anxious when they actually mean-ish something to me.

My greatest worry all summed up.

;;and I felt it yesterday.

Because he wasn't there.

And;; my mind wandered.

It seems if I fall backward, it'll be myself.

No! I don't want to go backward!

I could tell that I was doing better!

Why does it have to be such a fight, a hard, arduous battle with depression!

I hate it!

I need to stay confident!

But it's hard to do it alone.

Why don't I, who needs it as well, get reassurance from anyone?

I try to be a good person...

I just... need a little help too...

Kit helps. I understand, but I started forgetting how I must think to combat this as soon as I decided not to schedule any more visits to my psychologist.

Perhaps not a good choice?

Work Nov/30th/2016

Even though we got slammed today, and I was hungry and my mouth was hurting from being so dry, and I was thirsty- I didn't get mad. Has my anger lessened? 

I somehow doubt it. I got antsy Tuesday. I didn't get angry, though. My boss kept running around like a chicken with his head cut off, he even spun around once in place. It was sort of absurd. I hope I don't get like that if I continue to work here... 

Next year after Con I'll need to start looking for a second part-time job. This may indeed be my very last con. I'm sure health care will cost SOMETHING unfortunately and on my current income it isn't going to be enough, probably at least. 

I'm currently obsessed with Priapus, haha. I know it's a type of yaoi hentai but the first time I read it I got super hot and bothered. 

Thank God for this Benzocaine. I know that it's probably bad if swallowed, so instead of swallowing I spit my saliva out as much as I can until the numbing has disappeared. 

My skittery kittery Luna is being super talkative today. She hadn't been in my room at night or during the day for a couple days. Now she's back to being up my butt, and she even proceeded to bother my mom while I was at work.

My ex-mentor, now just close friend had another heart attack last week. I'm glad his wife red-eye flighted it down here to be with him. I've begged God not to take him away, and yet these problems still continue. They put in another splint because more of his arteries were found blocked. They also told him to stop smoking. He quit cold turkey that day. 

I can't wait for Con. It's the only thing that's worth looking forward to. This year there'll probably be no Christmas. I won't have a new binder to go and visit people with on either. The 3x isn't tight enough. I need a 2x, which I'll be getting used but its better than nothing. I want to get a packer; harness first I guess.

Mom talked about getting my name changed legally. It's still new to be called by it. Matt feels good, Mattius is a bit fancy but it's okay, I think; better than just a simplistic name. But why Mattius? Is what I ask myself. I've gone by other masculine names. I can't remember all of them, there wasn't many. Does Matt fit me? Do I look like a Matt? There are other names out there. If I make this one permanent, I will never change it again. I may change my last name someday, just because I'm a weird video game nerd and that blonde man with those nice muscles and pure red eyes will always intrigue me. 

It's funny. Something I've sort of come back to. A video game, I liked, but many others did not. Would anyone get the reference, or would they actually believe me? It's a little reminiscent of the past, of the, roleplays and fanfiction but it's powerful and sexy. 

I got to see what Phalloplasty looks like. It's strange. Unfortunately, it doesn't look exactly like a real penis- maybe it'll look better after the surgical tattooing is done? It was pre. Whatever surgeon he used for the top surgery did a great job. It looks wonderful.