I'm so sick of trying - A RANT -

People put boundaries on what seems like everything! They don't have an endless mind like SOME PEOPLE do. FANTASY ISN'T REALITY. If people like some stupid anime like ONE PUNCH MAN, then why can't I have a character who has a GOD DAMN INTELLIGENT FLYING SWORD!?!?! IT'S PASSED DOWN! IT'S BACKGROUND LISTED!! I'm trying to find happiness in absolutely EVERYTHING, yet REAL LIFE CUTS ME OFF, EVERY FUCKING TIME! I AM SO SICK OF IT! I'm sick of having to hit a brick wall, getting hurt by invisible thorns and other people swatting at me with WOMD's. I feel every cut. I feel every word slam into my gut. My wall... I try to keep it up but it fails me... I'm not strong emotionally, physically or mentally unless it comes to what I believe in. I just ask for small bits of happiness... I never ask for the whole. But people ruin it. They put straight lines on everything. They call me selfish, they call me a brat- but I see a bigger picture. You're just ruining me, molding me to your bullshit failing society. WELL, NEWSFLASH- IT'S MADE OF FUCKING LIES!!! "It'll be better when you grow up." more like, "DON'T WORRY, YOU'LL HURT WORSE WHEN YOU GET OLDER!"

It kills me...

And in the midst of this, I'm aging; the time on Mother's insurance is running out.
I'm at a dead-end part-time job.
I can't lift more than 5 lbs, and have to do it carefully and slowly because of WHAT HAPPENED TO MY BACK AT WORK!
The song i'm listening to on repeat is SKIPPING.
I'm probably killing my hearing with this being so loud.
I'm ignoring a friend because he bugs me LITERALLY everyday and keeps asking for fucking nudes!
I'M GOING TO LOOSE MY MIND!
I'm just not fucking fast enough for fast food, my body doesn't move like that.
My nerves are becoming more and more wrecked.
My hands are shaking as I write this.
I have Anxiety, PTSD, Depression; i'm an Emphatic person, Introvert, quiet, thoughtful, looks at the big picture.
I am fucking worthless in societies eyes.

I thought i'd like games like Pathfinder and D&D but I keep forgetting people can't be cool anymore. Why can't these games be like roleplay on the web? If you think about it, there's endless possibilities and yet we waste time with shitty dungeoneering and the likes.

I'm tired of being told, "You can't because the rules say." I respect reality laws, OK? That's fucking fine. But in an infinite enigma of a GAME, or ANIME. You should only have the boundaries as far as- You cannot godmod- OH WAIT! GUESS WHO DIDN'T LISTEN!!! anime. But i'm totally done with OPM; even it's short hand says OP. Overpowered.

I'm done trying to make friends, and play your stupid little ruled games.

And I know reality is sick of me too, that's why it never gives up on hitting me in the gut. Throwing rapid, invisible punches that come out of nowhere and ram me to the point i'm coughing out my sanity and gaining stress points.

This Is My Life

Coming to terms with who you are isn't easy. It's even more so difficult for someone who feels lost half the time. Literally. I'll walk into a room and forget what i'm doing, come back a couple minutes later after remembering in a different room. My life isn't easy. I'm twenty one with a High School Diploma. I thought for sure i'd be in College by now learning stuff I want to do like Media arts and animation or video game design, even storyboard creator for games, or something electronic and mediated. I came to terms that I would not be who I am without medication, and that somewhat sickens me. Makes me wonder if the world became desolate and wasteland-ish (Fallout) if I'd be able to survive. We females would most defiantly have it harder in a world like this. Creatures mutated and messed up would be drawn to us at that time of the month cause of the high smell. Not only that we would be forced to have to find something to keep ourselves from bleeding all over us. It's would also probably be to the point where men would just take us whenever we pleased. I couldn't live like that. When I was 15-16 years old I took birth-control because I didn't want to become pregnant and it fixed a little of my hormonal problems. However, in September when I was sixteen I had to be life-lighted to OSU medical hospital. Why? I had had a TIA/Mini Stroke. I was diagnosed with Protein S Deficiency. This passed year however, I had a blood test done and I was told I was clean. Now- let me tell you what- I think OSU was looking for something to blame. I think it may have been the BC. That's why I now refuse to take it. I would rather not have to take something that can put my life in jeopardy. It's kind of like how I see things with babies. If the mothers life is in danger and they know its either her or the child, I say C section or.. well, mommy comes first. Unless she says different. Her life- what shes experienced- comes first. I don't think this with such things as Molestation or Rape. I believe if the mother wants it aborted then it should be. Its HER body. HER choice. She's the one that has to live with it~! Unless she chooses to put it up for adoption, however how would you like to know that your foster parents aren't your real parents and your daddy raped your mommy? No- I think not. My dating life has been both long and short. Lets see.. My first bf was Garrett Smith. I still miss him and the chibi's.. lol. This is as far back as I can pretty much remember. I think I was in middle school? Don't remember but I remember daycare/ after-school daycare. I remember after everyone else would leave i'd grab this clear backpack full of pokeballs and go into my own prismatic imagination land. No-one would be outside, just me and my imagination. I think this is where my lonely upbringing and super imagination began to form. Lonesomeness forces you to be who you are when your alone, and it makes you use your imagination- which can be a powerful thing. It was easy to be who I was when I was alone, and I was young and naive. I liked back than. It was so much simpler. I didn't have to worry about alot of the stuff I do now. Like, my cat (Sabrina) recently had kittens, I love the small one(the runt) the most and the kittens smell alot like sweet stuff so I call it Runts. I recently found out its a girl. I dislike taking care of cats litter boxes cause they're gross and all but this little one is so cute. I'm hoping and praying to God that I get the job at Family Video so I can keep Runts but... I have to live with my mom and her boyfriend (who dislikes most animals, hates cats) so I don't know if that will help. I thought this was supposed to be MY life! I'm tired of the rejection and this man doesn't help. He's OK. I prefer him over Chris McElfresh any day! I think it's disgusting. An older women(my mom) with someone my age. Can you say Cougar? I dislike this very much. Men are supposed to be OLDER then they're women. I think it makes more sense. But that's also my opinion on it myself. Anyways, that's not what I was talking about. My second boyfriend I believe was Josh Ohoro, whom also had been my first(forced upon by me) kiss. He looked really good back then! He's changed alot from what I've heard. He's lost alot of hair and is balding. Love to keep him as a friend, but nothing more. This goes the same for Corey also. I do have to say I miss the twins alot though, I dated one of them for like- what? A week, lol? Kenith Peterman. His brother was David Peterman, man were they so cute!! I miss them! They were smart and into gaming and stuff like that too back then! Pataskala was fun for the most part, me, my mom and my dad all lived in apartments back then. We had animals, I can't remember them too well other then Katy Bird and Buddy Bird. I remember I was disappointed when we had to leave Pataskala. We moved. But this was sometime after I had been playing around in the gymnasium of a school and slipped in my socks and managed to almost poke my eye out and create a bit of a scar beside my eye. The stitches at the time I think I remember were almost un-feel-able. They were so close to my eye and I think the trauma still had me pretty well consumed. I had bled everywhere all over the floor of the gymnasium and school. I remember wanting to pass out- scared and not knowing what had happened. Anything other than that was pretty much blank. Non existent. Like someone held my flame and put it out for moments. My memory is rather.. sketchy. Parts are missing like the glass was meant to be permanently shattered after it had been created only moments after. Alot of what I remember isn't so good either. I remember going to my grandfathers house as a child. My grandma would leave and I would stay there with him. (WARNING: Mature content ahead.) I was so innocent and naive before all this shit happened. It was taken from me and what was put in place of it was a craving for pleasure. My grandfather licked me and often asked if I wanted him inside, and told me he couldn't get me pregnant /even/ if he 'wanted' to. I never allowed him, at-least.. my subconscious doesn't allow me to know if he ever was. I don't think he ever was because i'm the one who took my own "cherry"/ hymen. You ask how? I don't think i'm at liberty to tell you. It was simply of my own curious doing. This isn't meant to be a perverts play-land. My grandfather was one, and I somewhat dislike him. My mental state has been cracked because of the events that happened. I believe that may be one reason that I myself am somewhat perverted. But not in a way to where I wanna do things with the dead, children or animals. My image has always somewhat been cracked. I've pieces of me that wants to be a guy, thinking it'd be "fun" to have a penis- not only that I sometimes feel more masculine with my voice, personality and motions. Sometimes i'll be watching a show and i'll get a male characters mannerisms down. At one point I was schooling Misha Collins on Castiel; in my own mind. I was the original Roy Mustang on teenspot.com The nickname was Roy_Mustang BTW. For awhile I roleplayed(if you don't know what this is google it) as Vash the Stampede, Nicholas D. Wolfwood, Roy Mustang, Maes Hughes, Jean Havoc, and my own personal character Mena. Yes. I was the original Mena on teenspot aswell. I was an anime-maniac as a child. My shows were Pokemon, Digimon, Yugioh, InuYasha, Sailor Moon, Trigun and FMA. Growing up I couldn't get enough. Eventually I was introduced to Hayao Miyazaki's work. His films are amazing, and still continue to amaze me today. I still watch anime though im into more grown up shows. Oh, and I still read manga, just mostly more M for Mature stuff now. I also watch stuff like Eureka the tv series(non-anime), The walking dead, Touch, Anger Management, The Big Bang Theory, Family Guy, The Simpsons, Supernatural, Once upon a time and Grimm. Now all we need is some Fallout tv series, that'd be pretty pro. Oh yeah! I forgot to mention!!! I play Xbox 360 for a living cause I can't find a friggin job! :l Applied everywhere, couple call backs, few interviews and still NOTHING. I just.. want a job... I'm good with video games, computers and I love movies. :) I also write, fanfiction and fiction, roleplay, cosplay, love dancing, love dinners at awesome restraunts, I like anime, hentai, yaoi, supernatural, the bible, and church! Oh and I like other things too but they're less important. Haha. I'm random, weird and myself! Would you love me any other way? Haters say yes, friends say no. I'm smart (when I want to be) and dorky cause I can. I love laughing and flirting, playing around and singing.